Just don’t wanna care anymore

I’m broken beyond repair.....every day, every hour....is a constant battle to stay and fight....every mile on the highway is a fight to not snatch the steering wheel into oncoming traffic....every night is a fight to not self harm....I know it’s selfish....and I don’t care.....I’m tired of hearing how it’s partly my fault....well not how (that’s never discussed) just that it is.....fuck this place, fuck these people, fuck this bullshit ass world full of fake people.....there was a time when I was this unwavering optimist in against everything I ever came up against....not this, I’m done, I’m broken, you’ve won, I surrender, God bring me home if you want me, I’ve got nothing positive in me left to give to this world,.  I’m no Job, your faithful servant, no....I have broken so easily, I’ve forsaken my God.....for I was never truly worthy.....I wanted so much to believe that I was, that he had a plan for me....that I was a seed that took root in fertile ground..... I no longer believe that.   I am the seed choked out by thorns, cast in the rocks.  I wanted so much to be the light in spite of  the darkness.....I’m not!  The only good in me are the parts that long for my children not to ever feel the depth of my pain.  Even that is not enough to keep the darkness at bay, my soul is broken.  I am in that place where I hate God, I love him, but I hate him.  If he thinks he can shape this pile of shit that I’ve become into something useful again, he better be a bad mother fucker.  I’m done praying for patience, and peace, and understanding, and healing.........a swift end maybe......jaded.....cynical....finally the realist instead of the happy naive optimist!