Change

   Change...some times unwanted, some times desired, some times forced, some times longed for,  always required, always inevitable.  Change is a tricky little thing. We are often confronted with small changes in our daily lives; either initiated by us or by other influences outside of our control.  Whether or not we desire change or seek to maintain our status quo has little effect on the overwhelming fact that change in inevitable, it is in fact a requirement of life.  How can something that is stagnant and unmoving be considered alive.
   The fact that change is inevitable does not however render it completely out of our control, we have the power to drive much of the change in our lives albeit not all.  The fact that we are made to grow and change has been seeded in us since the beginning of our lives, has it not been our life long pursuit to grow into our selves, to change and adapt, to take what we learn and improve each day.  I think the little changes day by day some how escape us and therefore offer us the impression that we can stay in a place, time, stage far longer than life has intended for us.  Life is going to change regardless if we are the ones steering the boat or just allowing the current to direct us.  The current of change in our lives is sometimes too powerful to effectively alter the direction of that change if we sit idlily by and don't initiate change on our own early enough.  When we sit unmoved for too long the current of change can build up and require large change at once.  Don't wait on the build up, keep directing the change you want to see in your life.
   Grow in ways that are new and different, be inspired by change, be excited by the challenge.  Also, be understanding of the fact that those around you will always question your change, your motivation for that change, and intentionally or unintentionally derail your inspiration for directed growth and change.  Your directed growth and change can at times put off those that are just riding the current.  You effectively become the unplanned change to them,  or perhaps at times your change and growth has a way of making others look introspectively at their own needed changes.  It takes a strong person to look deep into yourself, much less initiate change and growth.  Change is inevitably coming, but so is growth.

 Ecclesiastes 3:1
For everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.
         

Johnny Utah & Bodhi (lunch box & trash can)

Brother Oh Brother...where did you go.
I asked Duke, "have you seen him",... he said, "I don't know."

He was here just yesterday, around the pool with the pack,
when we frolicked and played, and when we sat for a snack.

He was with me in bed... cuddled so tight,
as we settled down... to sleep for the night.

He was here when I woke... and watched the new day begin.

But where is he now,... as this day comes to an end?

I had a dream that I saw him... with a dog who claimed to be... his Aunt Sadie Mae.

She said, Bodhi don't worry,...Johnny Utah's come home... he's come home to stay. 

I hope these scars never heal on my neck and my face,

caused by his rowdy yet loving embrace.

Brother Oh Brother...I just want you to know.

I love you, I miss you... I just want you to know.

Progress

The roller coaster continues, I'm in a good place again this week.  I feel like I'm getting stronger and in more control of my thoughts and emotions lately.  Progress...but isn't that what life is?  Having a goal in life that is achievable is great, but what then....once achieved a new goal must be found.  However it seems to me that having a goal that never truly has the milestone of true attainability has more power in that the joy is found in the progress and meaning is found in the progress and that those things are not lost once the goal is achieved as there is no true milestone that marks the end of that journey.  When our goals have an end and are finite our meaning and joy can come to an end and we must seek a new goal the achieve, a new box to check, a new "if I do this I will be happy".  If I get married I'll be happy, if I have kids I'll be happy, If I get back out there and find someone new I'll be happy.  The true seems to me that happiness is found in the journey and not in the destination.  I want to be content on my journey and not have to worry about getting to a destination only to have the let down that it's not what I was expecting it to be, that its not the magic fruit that is the key to happiness that I thought it was.  Instead I feel I need to ground myself in goal that can only be measured by progress, not so much measured daily as a if set backs count as a failed day, but rather progress that is measured over time on a linear graph with ups and downs but that trends upwards over time.  I want to have goal like:  Be more Christ like, be more helpful and giving to others, be more loving to my kids, show more compassion to strangers, live more carefree, worry less and be more restful in the fact that I am not in control.  None of these goals are attainable in the sense that there is no finish line, no ultimate victory.  None the less, they are infinitely more fulfilling.  Therefore I believe that joy and meaning are not a product of achievement but rather attained through progress.  

1Timothy 4:15
Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress.

Just don’t wanna care anymore

I’m broken beyond repair.....every day, every hour....is a constant battle to stay and fight....every mile on the highway is a fight to not snatch the steering wheel into oncoming traffic....every night is a fight to not self harm....I know it’s selfish....and I don’t care.....I’m tired of hearing how it’s partly my fault....well not how (that’s never discussed) just that it is.....fuck this place, fuck these people, fuck this bullshit ass world full of fake people.....there was a time when I was this unwavering optimist in against everything I ever came up against....not this, I’m done, I’m broken, you’ve won, I surrender, God bring me home if you want me, I’ve got nothing positive in me left to give to this world,.  I’m no Job, your faithful servant, no....I have broken so easily, I’ve forsaken my God.....for I was never truly worthy.....I wanted so much to believe that I was, that he had a plan for me....that I was a seed that took root in fertile ground..... I no longer believe that.   I am the seed choked out by thorns, cast in the rocks.  I wanted so much to be the light in spite of  the darkness.....I’m not!  The only good in me are the parts that long for my children not to ever feel the depth of my pain.  Even that is not enough to keep the darkness at bay, my soul is broken.  I am in that place where I hate God, I love him, but I hate him.  If he thinks he can shape this pile of shit that I’ve become into something useful again, he better be a bad mother fucker.  I’m done praying for patience, and peace, and understanding, and healing.........a swift end maybe......jaded.....cynical....finally the realist instead of the happy naive optimist!

Lies and Lies, but what should I expect

Why do people lie so much in this world?  I get it if there is a benefit to it (not that I condone or approve from a moral standpoint), but why offer up a lie when there is no value in it.  Are some people just that sick and twisted that they feel the need to lie just because they can or do they get some kind of joy out of the actual act of telling the lie.  Maybe I expect more from people than they actually have the capacity for. Maybe the key to happiness lowered expectations.... lower.... lower.... lower...maybe a little lower.  I'm no Saint but damn.


"No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes."  -Psalms 101:7

Mae

    Butterflies, and longing, and desire, and joy, and contentment, a want, a need, completely consuming thoughts for another.  Just a bunch of neurons firing off in my brain that sends signals to release oxytocin.  Such a simple explanation for an almost indescribable feeling that we get around a few select people in our lives, a simple thought, a smell, a single word tied to a memory is all that's needed to release the flood gates of feeling that are stored up in my subconscious.
    Its funny how in life we sometimes meet people that we instantly feel connected to.  Is it something in the eyes or is that just like looking thru an open window into their soul...are we truly capable of seeing deeper than we think we can.  I'm almost too jaded with life to believe in love at first sight, instant infatuation maybe...whatever you call it when someone you've never met before causes your very essence to vibrate, you may not know them yet but you have a burning desire for everything that is them.  Its not a feeling I'm accustomed to,  now we've all had times were we've had a physical desire for someone, that's not what I mean....but when you feel longing for the other parts of them so much more,  what does it mean?  Can we somehow sense the true goodness in others and that is what is drawing me in so hard?  Is it that I sense a comforters soul and subconsciously I am seeking a comforter?  I don't know the answer, all I know is I want her.  I want her body. I want her mind. I want her heart.  I want to be there to see her every smile.  I want to be there when shes sad or sick. I want to share all my joy with her.  When I see something funny I want to share it with her first.  I wanna hold her hand at church.  I wanna kiss her in the mornings when I wake after seeing her in my dreams.
    I don't know what my future holds, but I hope in my future I'm holding her.....    

"Delight yourself also in the LORD, and he shall give the desires of your heart."  -Psalms 37:4

New Decade...Same Me....

So...it's been quite some time since the last time I sat down to write, ramble, or spewed out nonsense veiled as self inspiring nuggets of truth.  I'm not even sure I know how to tap into the raging river of thoughts that cross through my mind any more.  There has always been a furry of activity in my mind,  a constant hum of different thoughts on reoccurring loops...."your brain is currently streaming on multiple device, would you like to stream on this device instead?" (in Alexa's voice)…. Have you ever had too many apps/programs open on your computer at once, its kind of like that.  There's the grocery list, the bill pay notification, the reminder that you have a dentist appointment, a video of a kitten chasing a dog, building a virtual ship over here, thinking about that one time on the beach in Mexico,  Is today Tuesday or Wednesday,  where the fuck is that music coming from???
This raging river can not be stopped, can not be contained, nothing can stand in its way...the only hope for my sanity is the same as its always been....Steer....to steer or divert this rushing non-stop consciousness to the thoughts that bring peace or at the very least understanding.  Not always as easy as it sounds, to try to turn the tide when you mind goes to that dark place...to that sad memory...to the thought of that loved one whos long been gone.  Some time I can focus on a Positive thought and change the coarse, some time it's a future achievement, some times its a simple truth that is strong enough to veer me from the roaring rapids of thoughts and emotions....a simple truth that leads me to calmer waters.  That simple truth is that no matter how turbulent my mind, my emotions, my life....no matter what....God is in control, not me.....this simple truth has the ability to stop the flood of thoughts, fears, doubts at times, others times it lets the waters rage on and like a life jacket it wraps me up and lets me know that I am going to make it.  You see God doesn't always fix our problems, our struggles, he loves us too much to NOT let us suffer at times...…….

  To suffer is to grow

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle (you)."    -1 Peter 5:10