Change

   Change...some times unwanted, some times desired, some times forced, some times longed for,  always required, always inevitable.  Change is a tricky little thing. We are often confronted with small changes in our daily lives; either initiated by us or by other influences outside of our control.  Whether or not we desire change or seek to maintain our status quo has little effect on the overwhelming fact that change in inevitable, it is in fact a requirement of life.  How can something that is stagnant and unmoving be considered alive.
   The fact that change is inevitable does not however render it completely out of our control, we have the power to drive much of the change in our lives albeit not all.  The fact that we are made to grow and change has been seeded in us since the beginning of our lives, has it not been our life long pursuit to grow into our selves, to change and adapt, to take what we learn and improve each day.  I think the little changes day by day some how escape us and therefore offer us the impression that we can stay in a place, time, stage far longer than life has intended for us.  Life is going to change regardless if we are the ones steering the boat or just allowing the current to direct us.  The current of change in our lives is sometimes too powerful to effectively alter the direction of that change if we sit idlily by and don't initiate change on our own early enough.  When we sit unmoved for too long the current of change can build up and require large change at once.  Don't wait on the build up, keep directing the change you want to see in your life.
   Grow in ways that are new and different, be inspired by change, be excited by the challenge.  Also, be understanding of the fact that those around you will always question your change, your motivation for that change, and intentionally or unintentionally derail your inspiration for directed growth and change.  Your directed growth and change can at times put off those that are just riding the current.  You effectively become the unplanned change to them,  or perhaps at times your change and growth has a way of making others look introspectively at their own needed changes.  It takes a strong person to look deep into yourself, much less initiate change and growth.  Change is inevitably coming, but so is growth.

 Ecclesiastes 3:1
For everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.
         

Johnny Utah & Bodhi (lunch box & trash can)

Brother Oh Brother...where did you go.
I asked Duke, "have you seen him",... he said, "I don't know."

He was here just yesterday, around the pool with the pack,
when we frolicked and played, and when we sat for a snack.

He was with me in bed... cuddled so tight,
as we settled down... to sleep for the night.

He was here when I woke... and watched the new day begin.

But where is he now,... as this day comes to an end?

I had a dream that I saw him... with a dog who claimed to be... his Aunt Sadie Mae.

She said, Bodhi don't worry,...Johnny Utah's come home... he's come home to stay. 

I hope these scars never heal on my neck and my face,

caused by his rowdy yet loving embrace.

Brother Oh Brother...I just want you to know.

I love you, I miss you... I just want you to know.

Progress

The roller coaster continues, I'm in a good place again this week.  I feel like I'm getting stronger and in more control of my thoughts and emotions lately.  Progress...but isn't that what life is?  Having a goal in life that is achievable is great, but what then....once achieved a new goal must be found.  However it seems to me that having a goal that never truly has the milestone of true attainability has more power in that the joy is found in the progress and meaning is found in the progress and that those things are not lost once the goal is achieved as there is no true milestone that marks the end of that journey.  When our goals have an end and are finite our meaning and joy can come to an end and we must seek a new goal the achieve, a new box to check, a new "if I do this I will be happy".  If I get married I'll be happy, if I have kids I'll be happy, If I get back out there and find someone new I'll be happy.  The true seems to me that happiness is found in the journey and not in the destination.  I want to be content on my journey and not have to worry about getting to a destination only to have the let down that it's not what I was expecting it to be, that its not the magic fruit that is the key to happiness that I thought it was.  Instead I feel I need to ground myself in goal that can only be measured by progress, not so much measured daily as a if set backs count as a failed day, but rather progress that is measured over time on a linear graph with ups and downs but that trends upwards over time.  I want to have goal like:  Be more Christ like, be more helpful and giving to others, be more loving to my kids, show more compassion to strangers, live more carefree, worry less and be more restful in the fact that I am not in control.  None of these goals are attainable in the sense that there is no finish line, no ultimate victory.  None the less, they are infinitely more fulfilling.  Therefore I believe that joy and meaning are not a product of achievement but rather attained through progress.  

1Timothy 4:15
Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress.

Just don’t wanna care anymore

I’m broken beyond repair.....every day, every hour....is a constant battle to stay and fight....every mile on the highway is a fight to not snatch the steering wheel into oncoming traffic....every night is a fight to not self harm....I know it’s selfish....and I don’t care.....I’m tired of hearing how it’s partly my fault....well not how (that’s never discussed) just that it is.....fuck this place, fuck these people, fuck this bullshit ass world full of fake people.....there was a time when I was this unwavering optimist in against everything I ever came up against....not this, I’m done, I’m broken, you’ve won, I surrender, God bring me home if you want me, I’ve got nothing positive in me left to give to this world,.  I’m no Job, your faithful servant, no....I have broken so easily, I’ve forsaken my God.....for I was never truly worthy.....I wanted so much to believe that I was, that he had a plan for me....that I was a seed that took root in fertile ground..... I no longer believe that.   I am the seed choked out by thorns, cast in the rocks.  I wanted so much to be the light in spite of  the darkness.....I’m not!  The only good in me are the parts that long for my children not to ever feel the depth of my pain.  Even that is not enough to keep the darkness at bay, my soul is broken.  I am in that place where I hate God, I love him, but I hate him.  If he thinks he can shape this pile of shit that I’ve become into something useful again, he better be a bad mother fucker.  I’m done praying for patience, and peace, and understanding, and healing.........a swift end maybe......jaded.....cynical....finally the realist instead of the happy naive optimist!

Lies and Lies, but what should I expect

Why do people lie so much in this world?  I get it if there is a benefit to it (not that I condone or approve from a moral standpoint), but why offer up a lie when there is no value in it.  Are some people just that sick and twisted that they feel the need to lie just because they can or do they get some kind of joy out of the actual act of telling the lie.  Maybe I expect more from people than they actually have the capacity for. Maybe the key to happiness lowered expectations.... lower.... lower.... lower...maybe a little lower.  I'm no Saint but damn.


"No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes."  -Psalms 101:7

Mae

    Butterflies, and longing, and desire, and joy, and contentment, a want, a need, completely consuming thoughts for another.  Just a bunch of neurons firing off in my brain that sends signals to release oxytocin.  Such a simple explanation for an almost indescribable feeling that we get around a few select people in our lives, a simple thought, a smell, a single word tied to a memory is all that's needed to release the flood gates of feeling that are stored up in my subconscious.
    Its funny how in life we sometimes meet people that we instantly feel connected to.  Is it something in the eyes or is that just like looking thru an open window into their soul...are we truly capable of seeing deeper than we think we can.  I'm almost too jaded with life to believe in love at first sight, instant infatuation maybe...whatever you call it when someone you've never met before causes your very essence to vibrate, you may not know them yet but you have a burning desire for everything that is them.  Its not a feeling I'm accustomed to,  now we've all had times were we've had a physical desire for someone, that's not what I mean....but when you feel longing for the other parts of them so much more,  what does it mean?  Can we somehow sense the true goodness in others and that is what is drawing me in so hard?  Is it that I sense a comforters soul and subconsciously I am seeking a comforter?  I don't know the answer, all I know is I want her.  I want her body. I want her mind. I want her heart.  I want to be there to see her every smile.  I want to be there when shes sad or sick. I want to share all my joy with her.  When I see something funny I want to share it with her first.  I wanna hold her hand at church.  I wanna kiss her in the mornings when I wake after seeing her in my dreams.
    I don't know what my future holds, but I hope in my future I'm holding her.....    

"Delight yourself also in the LORD, and he shall give the desires of your heart."  -Psalms 37:4

New Decade...Same Me....

So...it's been quite some time since the last time I sat down to write, ramble, or spewed out nonsense veiled as self inspiring nuggets of truth.  I'm not even sure I know how to tap into the raging river of thoughts that cross through my mind any more.  There has always been a furry of activity in my mind,  a constant hum of different thoughts on reoccurring loops...."your brain is currently streaming on multiple device, would you like to stream on this device instead?" (in Alexa's voice)…. Have you ever had too many apps/programs open on your computer at once, its kind of like that.  There's the grocery list, the bill pay notification, the reminder that you have a dentist appointment, a video of a kitten chasing a dog, building a virtual ship over here, thinking about that one time on the beach in Mexico,  Is today Tuesday or Wednesday,  where the fuck is that music coming from???
This raging river can not be stopped, can not be contained, nothing can stand in its way...the only hope for my sanity is the same as its always been....Steer....to steer or divert this rushing non-stop consciousness to the thoughts that bring peace or at the very least understanding.  Not always as easy as it sounds, to try to turn the tide when you mind goes to that dark place...to that sad memory...to the thought of that loved one whos long been gone.  Some time I can focus on a Positive thought and change the coarse, some time it's a future achievement, some times its a simple truth that is strong enough to veer me from the roaring rapids of thoughts and emotions....a simple truth that leads me to calmer waters.  That simple truth is that no matter how turbulent my mind, my emotions, my life....no matter what....God is in control, not me.....this simple truth has the ability to stop the flood of thoughts, fears, doubts at times, others times it lets the waters rage on and like a life jacket it wraps me up and lets me know that I am going to make it.  You see God doesn't always fix our problems, our struggles, he loves us too much to NOT let us suffer at times...…….

  To suffer is to grow

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle (you)."    -1 Peter 5:10

The Invisable Blanket

It's weight could be felt, ever pressing down and restricting my every move, from my shoulders to my toes. I could tell that it was draped over my face, though invisible it cast an eerie fog across my vision making it hard to make out the path before me.  Wrapped around me so tightly that I find it hard to breath, consumed, entangled; I try to break free but alas it inevitably tucks me in at night and clothes me the next morning.  I've seen it before, it's visited me many times in my life, though it's form has changed I always recognize that dark hollow eyed gaze as it mocks me in the mirror.  "What do you want from me, why are you here?!"......no reply, yet again.....maybe it's not real, for I alone can see what isn't there.  But, is seeing believing?  Oh but to feel is to be alive, and I do feel...I feel the lump in my throat,  the weight of my world,  the touch...no....not the touch, that I don't feel. Numbed  by its presents,  I can only feel what it lets me feel, see what it wants me to see.........................................   So, here we are....at an impasse....happiness is said to come from within and that no one can make that decision for you....so alone, I have to do this?....how to feel un-alone, but do it all by myself?....I can feel the pressure push down more and more,  maybe I need to be alone to escape this prison that is me.  "I'm coming for you, to find you, to lift you from you sadness....you are not alone, I am with you here....", I whisper to myself....."I and I will see you through, for I and I will see you through"..............................................................................................................................................................................................................

A moment in my mind....

So close, but yet so far...so very very far

As I lie here, I can hear you breath...I know that you are there

But are you really?  

We talk and laugh like old friends, but you're more distant...than the ones that moved away

I'm not your friend, I'm your Husband...with a need for this affection you feed to all those in need....all those but me...

You greet me with a kiss when you first get home, more habit than real meaning...

Kids and dinner, recorded TV shows, Facebook, texts.....all things that "must" be done

I get too close....a headache you say again, so so tired after all these other things, the same old same....like a record that always spins...

Though better or worse, I've always put you first....why do I get the worst, more last than first, an sometimes not at all

To say such a beautiful and loving woman is being such a cunt...may be me being just a little blunt

Maybe it's all in my head...but it's in my head cause it's in my heart...and that's just the way I feel

It's the.....

It's the baby cries, the early rise,
the negative attitudes, the breif interludes of others just trying to be rude,
It's the nagging wife, the boring life,
the work days that never end,  the lack of touch upon my skin,
It's the TV distractions, the social media reactions,
the smoke that fills my lungs, the fact that I'm not young,
It's the cancer that exsists,  the loved ones that I miss,
the chains that bind my heart,  the slowly falling apart,
It's the need to make a dime,  the fact I can't turn back the time,
the indifference in others eyes,  the pain we feel from lies, 
It's funerals, It's dark days, It's war, It's hate, 
the feeling alone, It's being here and not there,
It's seeing someone sick,  It's having to retreat,  It's the silence,
the things that we have seen, It's the times that we've been mean, 
It's whining kids, the mundane tasks, It's knowing things don't last,
the running out of gas,  It's racism,  It's liberal agendas,
It's stupid fads, It's dead beat dads,
the idiocracy,  It's hypocracy, It's those that waste my time, 
It's the laundry in the hamper,  the dishes in the sink,
the dirty diapers,  the dirt upon the floor, 
It's the big things, the little things, the things that I remember,
the things that I forgot, the things that have happened,
It's the things that may and those that may not,
the goose bumps, the chills, It's the feeling you can't explain,
It's back stabing, It's side talking, It's lack of forward thinking, 
the antagonist, It's the pessimist,
It's those that wish to harm, 
the blood, the sweat, the tears, It's the culmination of my fears.
It's painful as a knife,  this thing that we call life.



  

Mocking bird

The days are short, dreary, and cold;  and likewise feelings seem to consume my soul. 
Almost as if I am a tree in an orchard being slowly overtaken by weeds and vines.  Each day, each hour, each moment I can feel them covering my branches, shadowing my limbs, blocking out my light.  The nights come upon me too quickly as well,  yet they bring no rest for they to seem just as dark and grim.  There are but memories, like fallen leaves, where once my fruit had hung.  Is this season just beginning or is it soon to pass?  It's hard to focus on the good, with so many thoughts that are so sad. 
What would they think if they were here, those we lost so near and dear?  Would they be so down and out?  Surely we'd be laughing, cutting up, and remembering the good.
My thoughts go back a few years ago to a cold still morning.  I got to work early that day, or my coworker arrived late (probably the latter),  and I can still remember seeing my breath roll past my lips as I sat in my truck waiting. I recall that I had the same sadness overtake me then; thoughts of loved ones come and gone.  Mostly my thoughts hung on to the tragedy that had befallen my cousin Travis a few years before;  but as I sat there overwhelmed, confused, and lost the strangest thing happened....A mocking bird flew up and landed on my driver side mirror.  I paid little attention to him at first,  but as it was he refused to be ignored, refused to let me linger in sadness.  He kept flapping his wing, and chirping, and singing, and hopping back and forth from my window ledge and mirror as if trying desperately to break me from my trance.  As the minutes passed my thoughts began to change to the good memories of a time when we would hunt blackbirds with our bb guns in Pawpaw's back yard.  Back when we were ignorant of the sadness in the world, unstained by the loss of loved ones, blind to the bad, only soaking in the good.  As kids and as cousins we all enjoyed these frequent back yard excursions,  but we knew (instilled in us by our Pawpaw and Mawmaw) never to shoot Mocking birds.  I sat for what seemed like hours watching this little bird dance and sing, and flutter and float, and cry out to me with the same enthusiasm as we had when we were in those moments. 
Still to this day, I can't say that it wasn't my loved ones I saw when I locked eyes with that little bird.  Mocking birds are known for their amazing ability to mimic other birds,  but for some reason I have a hard time believing that this particular bird could mimic so much more or maybe perhaps he was just mocking my sadness.  Either way the memory of that day, of that little bird, will forever be engraved into my mind and will continue to remind me,  in moments of sad reflection and morning,  to not spend to much time lingering on the sad of the loss but rather linger on the good and the joy that was shared while they were here.  Remember the love you shared with them and love your God all the more because of them.

 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.    Psalms 34:18

As Paul would say:
Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy. Philippians 4:4
  

"Today I'm gonna be happy" (February 2013)

Collection of old poems:

"Today I'm gonna be happy" (February 2013)

 

Today I’m gonna be happy

Today I’m gonna smile

This is my life to live

I’m gonna keep my head held high

 

This is not the ending

But the beginning so it seems

I’m not gonna let my life blow by

I’m gonna chase after my dreams

 

Today I’m gonna be happy

Today I’m gonna smile

This is my life to live

I’m gonna keep my head held high

 

Cause I am worth so much more

Than I’ve ever thought before

And I will not be ashamed

Of the man I am today

 

I’ve got a kind and gentle heart

I stay strong when others fall apart

And I can do most anything

That I set my mind to do

 

So

Today I’m gonna be happy

Today I’m gonna smile

This is my life to live

I’m gonna keep my head held high

 

My happiness depends upon me and me alone

It’s a choice I have to make

 I have to make it on my on

 

So

Today I’m gonna be happy

Today I’m gonna smile

This is my life to live

I’m gonna keep my head held high

 

"Girl, I’ll always love you" (February 2013)

Collection of old poems:

 

"Girl, I’ll always love you" (February 2013)

 

Girl, I’ll always love you,

But there’s something you should know.
I can’t keep living my life this way,
Girl, I’ve got to go.
 
We tried to save our marriage, but we tried a little late.
Now I’ve got to go before distrust turns to hate
Funny to think we used to be the envy of them all,
Back when we were rising, well before the fall.
 
Girl, I’ll always love you,
But there’s something you should know.
I can’t keep living my life this way,
Girl, I’ve got to go.
 
Can’t believe I’m leaving the woman of my dreams,
All because of a living nightmare and a man I’ve never seen.
Strange to think I’m in that place you were a year before,
You’re just so damn distant and I’m not happy anymore.
 
Girl, I’ll always love you,
But there’s something you should know.
I can’t keep living my life this way,
Girl, I’ve got to go.
 
Understand that the only thing that is here to stay,
Is the pain that I'll feel inside of me each and everyday
I don’t regret all the years I’ve spent being by your side
Just how blind I was to all your needs and to all your lies
 
You always seem distracted; say you’re tired all the time
You don’t show me affection and act like that is fine
Seems to me your living a double life again
So I can’t stay, this has to be the end
 
Girl, I’ll always love you,
But there’s something you should know.
I don’t think it’s all your fault
Girl, I’ll take my share of blame.
Girl, I’ll always love you,
But girl, I’ve got to go.

"Travel Away" (February 2013)

Collection of old poems:

"Travel Away" (February 2013)
 
There's holes in my pockets
 And bills left to pay
So I pack up my bags
 And I travel away

 To a place I can work 14 hours a day
 But 7 days a week is just so hard to stand
 Takes someone as cold as the steel in my boot
 Guess in the end I'm just that kind of man

 There's scars on my hands & burns in my cloths
 My eyes are heavy & my knees are weak
 My body is aching and blisters on my feet
 But I'll do whatever to provide I suppose

 There's holes in my pockets
 And bills left to pay
 So I pack up my bags
 And I travel away

 Gotta put the food on the table for my family back home
 Being away from my wife and babies is so very hard
 But there's a mortgage, there's daycare, and so many other needs
 So I put on this hardhat & keep punching this card

 There were holes in my pockets
 And bills left to pay
 So I packed up my bags
 And I traveled away

 Now there's holes in my soul
 And no bills left to pay
 So I packed up my bags
 I'm coming home to stay

"Miles and Miles apart" (January 2013)

Collection of old poems:

"Miles and Miles apart" (January 2013)

.when we're. miles and miles apart
.I get. a sadness in my heart
.I wish that. we were together
.cause then I'd. Feel so much better

.oh I can't wait. To leave this place
.and finally look. Upon your face
.Its so damn hard. To be so far from you
.oh Lord tell me. Just what to do

.When we're. miles and miles apart
.with so much. sadness in my heart
.I grab that bible. By my bed
.and soon. my soul is fed

.its what. Gets me through the day
.and tells me. That every things ok
.I can read. the book of Psalms
.the pain. will soon be gone

.or I can read. the song of songs
.and know that. I won't be gone long
.cause your a lily. among thorns
.and its you. That I adore

.when we're. miles and miles apart
.and I get. A sadness in my heart
.and wish that. We where together
.and that. I felt so much better

.I know that. when we're miles and miles apart
..god can take the pain. From my heart
.because. I can trust in him
.until the very end

"In his arms" (January 2013)

Collection of old poems:

"In his arms" (January 2013)

 

I leave in the morning to go so far away,

Lord use this to draw us closer, for this is what I pray.

 

I had a dream, she felt alone and her bed was cold.

Then I dreamed a scary thought, she had someone to hold.

 

I realized it was a dream,  but that it would still come true.

I heard a voice asking me, "why do you feel so blue?"

 

"Have no fear, this short time here, you surely will get thru."

"Have some faith my child, my son., for I make all thing new."

 

"She reads my words, I'm sure you've heard, they're mighty as a sword."

"So be at ease she found her comfort in the arms of the Lord."

 

 

(2 Chronicles 20:15)

"Do not be afraid nor be dismayed because of this great multitude,

 for the battle is not yours, but God's "

"Is she really mine" ( January 2013)

Collection of old poems:

 

"Is she really mine" ( January 2013)

 

Do I really have her, is she really mine?

Everything seams so great, it all seams so fine.

Will I forever live with doubt in my mind?

Or will it ebb away with the passing of the time?

I still have a fear of losing her, my heart is on the line.

Our marriage is getting stronger, but temptation is always close behind.

The past keeps coming back, if only to remind.

Do I really have her, is she really mine?

"Untitled" (Christmas eve 2012)

Collection of old poems:

 

"Untitled" (Christmas eve 2012)

 

"Dear Lord, I pray you help me drop my stones" (scribbled hastily atop the page)

 

 

I worship you on this joyous day

My Lord, my Savior, your gift I can't repay

 

You made yourself to take my place

So full of love and amazing grace

 

Its still so hard to comprehend

Your love never fails, it has no end

 

And from your love, forgiveness flows

Like handfuls of stones that nobody throws

 

Jesus your worthy of all of our praise

And I'll love you forever, till the end of my days

"TELL ME I'M MORE" (FALL 2012)

Collection of old poems:

"Tell me I'm more" (FALL 2012)

Who am I God
Who can I be
Tell me I'm more
Than what people see

They see that I'm weak
They've seen all my sin
Tell me I'm more
Than I've ever been

I've always been
Who I've chosen to be
It's the hand I was dealt
 I played right along
Tell me I'm more
Because you're never wrong

He died for me
So I live again
Oh father in heaven
Let your will be done
Tell me I'm more
Because of your son

I choose your love
And choose to believe
I surrender to you
All that is me
Tell me I'm more
Because you set me free

Who am I God
Who can I be
Tell me I'm more
And for you I will be

"What it means to be strong" (November 2012)

Collection of old poems:

"What it means to be strong" (November 2012)

All my life I've been taken for granted

I showed them kindness, they treated me ruthless

I showed them love, they pushed and they shoved

I showed them grace, they spit in my face

I showed them mercy, they repaid it adversely

I showed them forgiveness, they mistook it for weakness

God were they wrong, they just don't know what it means to be strong

You taught me kindness,  when you healed their blindness

You taught me love, when you were sent from above

You taught me grace, when you died in my place

You taught me mercy, when you wouldn't let the devil continue to hurt me

You taught me forgiveness, with the gift of your greatness

For the rest of my life,

I'll never take you for granted,

 Jesus I love you,

thank you for teaching me,

What it Means to be Strong