Change

   Change...some times unwanted, some times desired, some times forced, some times longed for,  always required, always inevitable.  Change is a tricky little thing. We are often confronted with small changes in our daily lives; either initiated by us or by other influences outside of our control.  Whether or not we desire change or seek to maintain our status quo has little effect on the overwhelming fact that change in inevitable, it is in fact a requirement of life.  How can something that is stagnant and unmoving be considered alive.
   The fact that change is inevitable does not however render it completely out of our control, we have the power to drive much of the change in our lives albeit not all.  The fact that we are made to grow and change has been seeded in us since the beginning of our lives, has it not been our life long pursuit to grow into our selves, to change and adapt, to take what we learn and improve each day.  I think the little changes day by day some how escape us and therefore offer us the impression that we can stay in a place, time, stage far longer than life has intended for us.  Life is going to change regardless if we are the ones steering the boat or just allowing the current to direct us.  The current of change in our lives is sometimes too powerful to effectively alter the direction of that change if we sit idlily by and don't initiate change on our own early enough.  When we sit unmoved for too long the current of change can build up and require large change at once.  Don't wait on the build up, keep directing the change you want to see in your life.
   Grow in ways that are new and different, be inspired by change, be excited by the challenge.  Also, be understanding of the fact that those around you will always question your change, your motivation for that change, and intentionally or unintentionally derail your inspiration for directed growth and change.  Your directed growth and change can at times put off those that are just riding the current.  You effectively become the unplanned change to them,  or perhaps at times your change and growth has a way of making others look introspectively at their own needed changes.  It takes a strong person to look deep into yourself, much less initiate change and growth.  Change is inevitably coming, but so is growth.

 Ecclesiastes 3:1
For everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.
         

Johnny Utah & Bodhi (lunch box & trash can)

Brother Oh Brother...where did you go.
I asked Duke, "have you seen him",... he said, "I don't know."

He was here just yesterday, around the pool with the pack,
when we frolicked and played, and when we sat for a snack.

He was with me in bed... cuddled so tight,
as we settled down... to sleep for the night.

He was here when I woke... and watched the new day begin.

But where is he now,... as this day comes to an end?

I had a dream that I saw him... with a dog who claimed to be... his Aunt Sadie Mae.

She said, Bodhi don't worry,...Johnny Utah's come home... he's come home to stay. 

I hope these scars never heal on my neck and my face,

caused by his rowdy yet loving embrace.

Brother Oh Brother...I just want you to know.

I love you, I miss you... I just want you to know.

Progress

The roller coaster continues, I'm in a good place again this week.  I feel like I'm getting stronger and in more control of my thoughts and emotions lately.  Progress...but isn't that what life is?  Having a goal in life that is achievable is great, but what then....once achieved a new goal must be found.  However it seems to me that having a goal that never truly has the milestone of true attainability has more power in that the joy is found in the progress and meaning is found in the progress and that those things are not lost once the goal is achieved as there is no true milestone that marks the end of that journey.  When our goals have an end and are finite our meaning and joy can come to an end and we must seek a new goal the achieve, a new box to check, a new "if I do this I will be happy".  If I get married I'll be happy, if I have kids I'll be happy, If I get back out there and find someone new I'll be happy.  The true seems to me that happiness is found in the journey and not in the destination.  I want to be content on my journey and not have to worry about getting to a destination only to have the let down that it's not what I was expecting it to be, that its not the magic fruit that is the key to happiness that I thought it was.  Instead I feel I need to ground myself in goal that can only be measured by progress, not so much measured daily as a if set backs count as a failed day, but rather progress that is measured over time on a linear graph with ups and downs but that trends upwards over time.  I want to have goal like:  Be more Christ like, be more helpful and giving to others, be more loving to my kids, show more compassion to strangers, live more carefree, worry less and be more restful in the fact that I am not in control.  None of these goals are attainable in the sense that there is no finish line, no ultimate victory.  None the less, they are infinitely more fulfilling.  Therefore I believe that joy and meaning are not a product of achievement but rather attained through progress.  

1Timothy 4:15
Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress.

Just don’t wanna care anymore

I’m broken beyond repair.....every day, every hour....is a constant battle to stay and fight....every mile on the highway is a fight to not snatch the steering wheel into oncoming traffic....every night is a fight to not self harm....I know it’s selfish....and I don’t care.....I’m tired of hearing how it’s partly my fault....well not how (that’s never discussed) just that it is.....fuck this place, fuck these people, fuck this bullshit ass world full of fake people.....there was a time when I was this unwavering optimist in against everything I ever came up against....not this, I’m done, I’m broken, you’ve won, I surrender, God bring me home if you want me, I’ve got nothing positive in me left to give to this world,.  I’m no Job, your faithful servant, no....I have broken so easily, I’ve forsaken my God.....for I was never truly worthy.....I wanted so much to believe that I was, that he had a plan for me....that I was a seed that took root in fertile ground..... I no longer believe that.   I am the seed choked out by thorns, cast in the rocks.  I wanted so much to be the light in spite of  the darkness.....I’m not!  The only good in me are the parts that long for my children not to ever feel the depth of my pain.  Even that is not enough to keep the darkness at bay, my soul is broken.  I am in that place where I hate God, I love him, but I hate him.  If he thinks he can shape this pile of shit that I’ve become into something useful again, he better be a bad mother fucker.  I’m done praying for patience, and peace, and understanding, and healing.........a swift end maybe......jaded.....cynical....finally the realist instead of the happy naive optimist!

Lies and Lies, but what should I expect

Why do people lie so much in this world?  I get it if there is a benefit to it (not that I condone or approve from a moral standpoint), but why offer up a lie when there is no value in it.  Are some people just that sick and twisted that they feel the need to lie just because they can or do they get some kind of joy out of the actual act of telling the lie.  Maybe I expect more from people than they actually have the capacity for. Maybe the key to happiness lowered expectations.... lower.... lower.... lower...maybe a little lower.  I'm no Saint but damn.


"No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes."  -Psalms 101:7

Mae

    Butterflies, and longing, and desire, and joy, and contentment, a want, a need, completely consuming thoughts for another.  Just a bunch of neurons firing off in my brain that sends signals to release oxytocin.  Such a simple explanation for an almost indescribable feeling that we get around a few select people in our lives, a simple thought, a smell, a single word tied to a memory is all that's needed to release the flood gates of feeling that are stored up in my subconscious.
    Its funny how in life we sometimes meet people that we instantly feel connected to.  Is it something in the eyes or is that just like looking thru an open window into their soul...are we truly capable of seeing deeper than we think we can.  I'm almost too jaded with life to believe in love at first sight, instant infatuation maybe...whatever you call it when someone you've never met before causes your very essence to vibrate, you may not know them yet but you have a burning desire for everything that is them.  Its not a feeling I'm accustomed to,  now we've all had times were we've had a physical desire for someone, that's not what I mean....but when you feel longing for the other parts of them so much more,  what does it mean?  Can we somehow sense the true goodness in others and that is what is drawing me in so hard?  Is it that I sense a comforters soul and subconsciously I am seeking a comforter?  I don't know the answer, all I know is I want her.  I want her body. I want her mind. I want her heart.  I want to be there to see her every smile.  I want to be there when shes sad or sick. I want to share all my joy with her.  When I see something funny I want to share it with her first.  I wanna hold her hand at church.  I wanna kiss her in the mornings when I wake after seeing her in my dreams.
    I don't know what my future holds, but I hope in my future I'm holding her.....    

"Delight yourself also in the LORD, and he shall give the desires of your heart."  -Psalms 37:4

New Decade...Same Me....

So...it's been quite some time since the last time I sat down to write, ramble, or spewed out nonsense veiled as self inspiring nuggets of truth.  I'm not even sure I know how to tap into the raging river of thoughts that cross through my mind any more.  There has always been a furry of activity in my mind,  a constant hum of different thoughts on reoccurring loops...."your brain is currently streaming on multiple device, would you like to stream on this device instead?" (in Alexa's voice)…. Have you ever had too many apps/programs open on your computer at once, its kind of like that.  There's the grocery list, the bill pay notification, the reminder that you have a dentist appointment, a video of a kitten chasing a dog, building a virtual ship over here, thinking about that one time on the beach in Mexico,  Is today Tuesday or Wednesday,  where the fuck is that music coming from???
This raging river can not be stopped, can not be contained, nothing can stand in its way...the only hope for my sanity is the same as its always been....Steer....to steer or divert this rushing non-stop consciousness to the thoughts that bring peace or at the very least understanding.  Not always as easy as it sounds, to try to turn the tide when you mind goes to that dark place...to that sad memory...to the thought of that loved one whos long been gone.  Some time I can focus on a Positive thought and change the coarse, some time it's a future achievement, some times its a simple truth that is strong enough to veer me from the roaring rapids of thoughts and emotions....a simple truth that leads me to calmer waters.  That simple truth is that no matter how turbulent my mind, my emotions, my life....no matter what....God is in control, not me.....this simple truth has the ability to stop the flood of thoughts, fears, doubts at times, others times it lets the waters rage on and like a life jacket it wraps me up and lets me know that I am going to make it.  You see God doesn't always fix our problems, our struggles, he loves us too much to NOT let us suffer at times...…….

  To suffer is to grow

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle (you)."    -1 Peter 5:10

The Invisable Blanket

It's weight could be felt, ever pressing down and restricting my every move, from my shoulders to my toes. I could tell that it was draped over my face, though invisible it cast an eerie fog across my vision making it hard to make out the path before me.  Wrapped around me so tightly that I find it hard to breath, consumed, entangled; I try to break free but alas it inevitably tucks me in at night and clothes me the next morning.  I've seen it before, it's visited me many times in my life, though it's form has changed I always recognize that dark hollow eyed gaze as it mocks me in the mirror.  "What do you want from me, why are you here?!"......no reply, yet again.....maybe it's not real, for I alone can see what isn't there.  But, is seeing believing?  Oh but to feel is to be alive, and I do feel...I feel the lump in my throat,  the weight of my world,  the touch...no....not the touch, that I don't feel. Numbed  by its presents,  I can only feel what it lets me feel, see what it wants me to see.........................................   So, here we are....at an impasse....happiness is said to come from within and that no one can make that decision for you....so alone, I have to do this?....how to feel un-alone, but do it all by myself?....I can feel the pressure push down more and more,  maybe I need to be alone to escape this prison that is me.  "I'm coming for you, to find you, to lift you from you sadness....you are not alone, I am with you here....", I whisper to myself....."I and I will see you through, for I and I will see you through"..............................................................................................................................................................................................................

A moment in my mind....

So close, but yet so far...so very very far

As I lie here, I can hear you breath...I know that you are there

But are you really?  

We talk and laugh like old friends, but you're more distant...than the ones that moved away

I'm not your friend, I'm your Husband...with a need for this affection you feed to all those in need....all those but me...

You greet me with a kiss when you first get home, more habit than real meaning...

Kids and dinner, recorded TV shows, Facebook, texts.....all things that "must" be done

I get too close....a headache you say again, so so tired after all these other things, the same old same....like a record that always spins...

Though better or worse, I've always put you first....why do I get the worst, more last than first, an sometimes not at all

To say such a beautiful and loving woman is being such a cunt...may be me being just a little blunt

Maybe it's all in my head...but it's in my head cause it's in my heart...and that's just the way I feel

It's the.....

It's the baby cries, the early rise,
the negative attitudes, the breif interludes of others just trying to be rude,
It's the nagging wife, the boring life,
the work days that never end,  the lack of touch upon my skin,
It's the TV distractions, the social media reactions,
the smoke that fills my lungs, the fact that I'm not young,
It's the cancer that exsists,  the loved ones that I miss,
the chains that bind my heart,  the slowly falling apart,
It's the need to make a dime,  the fact I can't turn back the time,
the indifference in others eyes,  the pain we feel from lies, 
It's funerals, It's dark days, It's war, It's hate, 
the feeling alone, It's being here and not there,
It's seeing someone sick,  It's having to retreat,  It's the silence,
the things that we have seen, It's the times that we've been mean, 
It's whining kids, the mundane tasks, It's knowing things don't last,
the running out of gas,  It's racism,  It's liberal agendas,
It's stupid fads, It's dead beat dads,
the idiocracy,  It's hypocracy, It's those that waste my time, 
It's the laundry in the hamper,  the dishes in the sink,
the dirty diapers,  the dirt upon the floor, 
It's the big things, the little things, the things that I remember,
the things that I forgot, the things that have happened,
It's the things that may and those that may not,
the goose bumps, the chills, It's the feeling you can't explain,
It's back stabing, It's side talking, It's lack of forward thinking, 
the antagonist, It's the pessimist,
It's those that wish to harm, 
the blood, the sweat, the tears, It's the culmination of my fears.
It's painful as a knife,  this thing that we call life.



  

Mocking bird

The days are short, dreary, and cold;  and likewise feelings seem to consume my soul. 
Almost as if I am a tree in an orchard being slowly overtaken by weeds and vines.  Each day, each hour, each moment I can feel them covering my branches, shadowing my limbs, blocking out my light.  The nights come upon me too quickly as well,  yet they bring no rest for they to seem just as dark and grim.  There are but memories, like fallen leaves, where once my fruit had hung.  Is this season just beginning or is it soon to pass?  It's hard to focus on the good, with so many thoughts that are so sad. 
What would they think if they were here, those we lost so near and dear?  Would they be so down and out?  Surely we'd be laughing, cutting up, and remembering the good.
My thoughts go back a few years ago to a cold still morning.  I got to work early that day, or my coworker arrived late (probably the latter),  and I can still remember seeing my breath roll past my lips as I sat in my truck waiting. I recall that I had the same sadness overtake me then; thoughts of loved ones come and gone.  Mostly my thoughts hung on to the tragedy that had befallen my cousin Travis a few years before;  but as I sat there overwhelmed, confused, and lost the strangest thing happened....A mocking bird flew up and landed on my driver side mirror.  I paid little attention to him at first,  but as it was he refused to be ignored, refused to let me linger in sadness.  He kept flapping his wing, and chirping, and singing, and hopping back and forth from my window ledge and mirror as if trying desperately to break me from my trance.  As the minutes passed my thoughts began to change to the good memories of a time when we would hunt blackbirds with our bb guns in Pawpaw's back yard.  Back when we were ignorant of the sadness in the world, unstained by the loss of loved ones, blind to the bad, only soaking in the good.  As kids and as cousins we all enjoyed these frequent back yard excursions,  but we knew (instilled in us by our Pawpaw and Mawmaw) never to shoot Mocking birds.  I sat for what seemed like hours watching this little bird dance and sing, and flutter and float, and cry out to me with the same enthusiasm as we had when we were in those moments. 
Still to this day, I can't say that it wasn't my loved ones I saw when I locked eyes with that little bird.  Mocking birds are known for their amazing ability to mimic other birds,  but for some reason I have a hard time believing that this particular bird could mimic so much more or maybe perhaps he was just mocking my sadness.  Either way the memory of that day, of that little bird, will forever be engraved into my mind and will continue to remind me,  in moments of sad reflection and morning,  to not spend to much time lingering on the sad of the loss but rather linger on the good and the joy that was shared while they were here.  Remember the love you shared with them and love your God all the more because of them.

 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.    Psalms 34:18

As Paul would say:
Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy. Philippians 4:4
  

"Today I'm gonna be happy" (February 2013)

Collection of old poems:

"Today I'm gonna be happy" (February 2013)

 

Today I’m gonna be happy

Today I’m gonna smile

This is my life to live

I’m gonna keep my head held high

 

This is not the ending

But the beginning so it seems

I’m not gonna let my life blow by

I’m gonna chase after my dreams

 

Today I’m gonna be happy

Today I’m gonna smile

This is my life to live

I’m gonna keep my head held high

 

Cause I am worth so much more

Than I’ve ever thought before

And I will not be ashamed

Of the man I am today

 

I’ve got a kind and gentle heart

I stay strong when others fall apart

And I can do most anything

That I set my mind to do

 

So

Today I’m gonna be happy

Today I’m gonna smile

This is my life to live

I’m gonna keep my head held high

 

My happiness depends upon me and me alone

It’s a choice I have to make

 I have to make it on my on

 

So

Today I’m gonna be happy

Today I’m gonna smile

This is my life to live

I’m gonna keep my head held high

 

"Girl, I’ll always love you" (February 2013)

Collection of old poems:

 

"Girl, I’ll always love you" (February 2013)

 

Girl, I’ll always love you,

But there’s something you should know.
I can’t keep living my life this way,
Girl, I’ve got to go.
 
We tried to save our marriage, but we tried a little late.
Now I’ve got to go before distrust turns to hate
Funny to think we used to be the envy of them all,
Back when we were rising, well before the fall.
 
Girl, I’ll always love you,
But there’s something you should know.
I can’t keep living my life this way,
Girl, I’ve got to go.
 
Can’t believe I’m leaving the woman of my dreams,
All because of a living nightmare and a man I’ve never seen.
Strange to think I’m in that place you were a year before,
You’re just so damn distant and I’m not happy anymore.
 
Girl, I’ll always love you,
But there’s something you should know.
I can’t keep living my life this way,
Girl, I’ve got to go.
 
Understand that the only thing that is here to stay,
Is the pain that I'll feel inside of me each and everyday
I don’t regret all the years I’ve spent being by your side
Just how blind I was to all your needs and to all your lies
 
You always seem distracted; say you’re tired all the time
You don’t show me affection and act like that is fine
Seems to me your living a double life again
So I can’t stay, this has to be the end
 
Girl, I’ll always love you,
But there’s something you should know.
I don’t think it’s all your fault
Girl, I’ll take my share of blame.
Girl, I’ll always love you,
But girl, I’ve got to go.

"Travel Away" (February 2013)

Collection of old poems:

"Travel Away" (February 2013)
 
There's holes in my pockets
 And bills left to pay
So I pack up my bags
 And I travel away

 To a place I can work 14 hours a day
 But 7 days a week is just so hard to stand
 Takes someone as cold as the steel in my boot
 Guess in the end I'm just that kind of man

 There's scars on my hands & burns in my cloths
 My eyes are heavy & my knees are weak
 My body is aching and blisters on my feet
 But I'll do whatever to provide I suppose

 There's holes in my pockets
 And bills left to pay
 So I pack up my bags
 And I travel away

 Gotta put the food on the table for my family back home
 Being away from my wife and babies is so very hard
 But there's a mortgage, there's daycare, and so many other needs
 So I put on this hardhat & keep punching this card

 There were holes in my pockets
 And bills left to pay
 So I packed up my bags
 And I traveled away

 Now there's holes in my soul
 And no bills left to pay
 So I packed up my bags
 I'm coming home to stay

"Miles and Miles apart" (January 2013)

Collection of old poems:

"Miles and Miles apart" (January 2013)

.when we're. miles and miles apart
.I get. a sadness in my heart
.I wish that. we were together
.cause then I'd. Feel so much better

.oh I can't wait. To leave this place
.and finally look. Upon your face
.Its so damn hard. To be so far from you
.oh Lord tell me. Just what to do

.When we're. miles and miles apart
.with so much. sadness in my heart
.I grab that bible. By my bed
.and soon. my soul is fed

.its what. Gets me through the day
.and tells me. That every things ok
.I can read. the book of Psalms
.the pain. will soon be gone

.or I can read. the song of songs
.and know that. I won't be gone long
.cause your a lily. among thorns
.and its you. That I adore

.when we're. miles and miles apart
.and I get. A sadness in my heart
.and wish that. We where together
.and that. I felt so much better

.I know that. when we're miles and miles apart
..god can take the pain. From my heart
.because. I can trust in him
.until the very end

"In his arms" (January 2013)

Collection of old poems:

"In his arms" (January 2013)

 

I leave in the morning to go so far away,

Lord use this to draw us closer, for this is what I pray.

 

I had a dream, she felt alone and her bed was cold.

Then I dreamed a scary thought, she had someone to hold.

 

I realized it was a dream,  but that it would still come true.

I heard a voice asking me, "why do you feel so blue?"

 

"Have no fear, this short time here, you surely will get thru."

"Have some faith my child, my son., for I make all thing new."

 

"She reads my words, I'm sure you've heard, they're mighty as a sword."

"So be at ease she found her comfort in the arms of the Lord."

 

 

(2 Chronicles 20:15)

"Do not be afraid nor be dismayed because of this great multitude,

 for the battle is not yours, but God's "

"Is she really mine" ( January 2013)

Collection of old poems:

 

"Is she really mine" ( January 2013)

 

Do I really have her, is she really mine?

Everything seams so great, it all seams so fine.

Will I forever live with doubt in my mind?

Or will it ebb away with the passing of the time?

I still have a fear of losing her, my heart is on the line.

Our marriage is getting stronger, but temptation is always close behind.

The past keeps coming back, if only to remind.

Do I really have her, is she really mine?

"Untitled" (Christmas eve 2012)

Collection of old poems:

 

"Untitled" (Christmas eve 2012)

 

"Dear Lord, I pray you help me drop my stones" (scribbled hastily atop the page)

 

 

I worship you on this joyous day

My Lord, my Savior, your gift I can't repay

 

You made yourself to take my place

So full of love and amazing grace

 

Its still so hard to comprehend

Your love never fails, it has no end

 

And from your love, forgiveness flows

Like handfuls of stones that nobody throws

 

Jesus your worthy of all of our praise

And I'll love you forever, till the end of my days

"TELL ME I'M MORE" (FALL 2012)

Collection of old poems:

"Tell me I'm more" (FALL 2012)

Who am I God
Who can I be
Tell me I'm more
Than what people see

They see that I'm weak
They've seen all my sin
Tell me I'm more
Than I've ever been

I've always been
Who I've chosen to be
It's the hand I was dealt
 I played right along
Tell me I'm more
Because you're never wrong

He died for me
So I live again
Oh father in heaven
Let your will be done
Tell me I'm more
Because of your son

I choose your love
And choose to believe
I surrender to you
All that is me
Tell me I'm more
Because you set me free

Who am I God
Who can I be
Tell me I'm more
And for you I will be

"What it means to be strong" (November 2012)

Collection of old poems:

"What it means to be strong" (November 2012)

All my life I've been taken for granted

I showed them kindness, they treated me ruthless

I showed them love, they pushed and they shoved

I showed them grace, they spit in my face

I showed them mercy, they repaid it adversely

I showed them forgiveness, they mistook it for weakness

God were they wrong, they just don't know what it means to be strong

You taught me kindness,  when you healed their blindness

You taught me love, when you were sent from above

You taught me grace, when you died in my place

You taught me mercy, when you wouldn't let the devil continue to hurt me

You taught me forgiveness, with the gift of your greatness

For the rest of my life,

I'll never take you for granted,

 Jesus I love you,

thank you for teaching me,

What it Means to be Strong

"It belongs to you" (November 2012)

Collection of old poems:

"It belongs to you" (November 2012)

As I lie down and close my eyes I pray against my fears
Let me dream of happy things, laughter and good cheer

But soon the sandman comes and leads me down a path
He leads me to my wicked thoughts, my fears, and to my wrath

When I'm there it feels so real, the pain, it's like brand new
I've seen some things, done by me, that only the devil would do

As I wake drenched in sweat and wipe away my tears
I know it's him that haunts my dreams and whispers in my ears

He preys upon my weakness, and the pain that's from my past
But I stand against him, from today until last

I pray to you my Lord, my God, and feel my strength renew
The devil may try to take my soul, but it Belongs to You.

"Can we go to Grandmaw's house" (October 2009)

Collection of old poems:

"Can we go to Grandmaw's house" (October 2009)

Daddy can we go to Grandmaw's house, if only for the day?
You know we love it there, can we go and play?

She greets us with a smile that reminds us of you,
And if we're lucky she'll make us cookies too.

We love it when she reads us stories and rocks us in her arms,
And when she lets us fish and rides us around the farm.

We love to go to Grandmaw's house where we can run and play,
And when it's time to leave she gives us kisses and sends us on our way.

"Dreams and Dreams of you 2" (September 2009)

Collection of old poems:

"Dreams and Dreams of you 2" (September 2009)

As I lie in bed with my eyes closed tight,
I drift off to dreamland as I rest for the night.

I could hear children laughing and playing close to me,
Though try as I may the children I could  not see.

I swear I thought I knew them, but who could it be.
It was my unborn children that called out to me.

Daddy do you love me and do you love me too?
I say of course I love you, I love the both of you.

As I lie in bed awake, for the day is new,
I smile and think about dreams and dreams of you two.

"My blue eyed Babies" (September 2009)

Collection of old poems:

"My blue eyed babies" (September 2009)

Just like your daddy, will your eyes be blue?
Just like you granddaddy, will your eyes be blue?
Just like your great-granddaddy, will your eyes be blue?
If your just like your momma and your brown eyes aren't blue,
I'll love you just as much with a love that's just as true.

"Whitley Faye" (August 2009)

Collection of old poems:

"Whitley Faye" (August 2009)

There was a little girl, her name was Whitley Faye,
And she hugged her daddy's neck each and every day.

She loved to be read stories as she sat in daddy's lap,
And when she got tired he would lay her down to take a nap.

She had a smile that could bring a tear to his eye,
And pain to his heart when he had to hear her cry.

There was a little girl, her name was Whitley Faye,
And her daddy was wrapped around her finger each and every day.

"Princess" (August 2009)

Collection of old poems:

"Princess" (August 2009)

I'm married to a princess, but I'm no king you see
I met her in a trailer, surrounded by poverty

Someone else sent her flowers, but he did not impress
And when she came to thank him, I wrote upon her flesh

She found me kind of funny, the jester I seem to be
So after years of dating, I asked her, to spend her life with me.

I'm married to a princess, but I'm no king you see
I'm married to a princess, and happy as can be.

"ALONE" (January 2004)

Collection of old poems:

"ALONE" (January 2004)

I AM ALONE, I AM ALONE

WHO CAN HEAR MY CRY

 

I AM ALONE, I AM ALONE

WHO WILL HEAR MY CRY

 

I AM ALONE, SHE LEFT ME HERE

SHE DIDN'T HEAR MY CRY

 

SHE CAME HOME, I AM ALONE

SHE DIDN'T HEAR ME CRY

 

I AM ALONE, I AM ALONE

WHO WILL HEAR MY CRY

 

I AM ALONE I AM ALONE

ONLY I CAN HEAR MY CRY

Holiday season...ugh

So it begins, another holiday season.....Not that I don't like holidays it's just that I would love to throat punch whoever crammed all these damn holidays into the end of the year!  I always get stressed out with all the traveling around, (should be a nice flight to see the in-laws for Thanksgiving....2 five year olds and a five month old....I almost feel sorry for anyone on the same flight) and the shopping.....the shopping....ugh....I hate shopping.  Why am I so tired all of a sudden?  Wow just the thought of these two things is enough to drain me,  the mental and physical exhaustion has already set in....

Here it is, that time again

can't you feel that cold crisp wind

 Shorter days and longer nights
soon it's time for a holiday flight
I wonder if Whitley will throw up again
hell who knows maybe this time Wren
Packing and traveling two things I hate
I may need a Valium by the departure gate
Three little heathens up in the air
the other passengers should be pulling their hair
A week at the in-laws can be something to fear
but I'll be alright as long as there's beer
Here we are home again
not long till the birthday party's begin
Two turning five it happened so fast
I hope they both think their party's a blast
Then Christmas shopping comes along
I'm gonna charge it, charge it, while singing a song
Then hurry hurry let it be spring
does anyone else know what I mean
Next year I'm doing something my wife will hate
because come winter time I think I'll just hibernate



 

It's always been her

Maybe it was the innocence in her eyes or her gorgeous smile or simply the fact that she was nothing like me.  Still to this day I can't say what it was about her that I liked so much,  all I knew was I wanted her...I wanted her in every way....I wanted her like I had never wanted anything else.  It scared the hell out of me, because at that point in my life I wanted nothing...I had nothing.  The closest thing I had to a want at that time was a want to numb the pain from a troubled childhood, a want to numb the pain from past broken hearts, a want to numb the pain from the life I had all but given up on....I was pretty good at numbing it too
Then "she" walked into my life,  this beautiful young girl with long brown hair and stunning brown eyes.  I have no idea what she ever saw in me back then... I was nothing but trouble...but what ever it was I'm glad she did.  I still remember the day we met.  I still remember our first kiss...I was so scared to kiss her, it took me two weeks to build up the courage.....I was hooked.  Nothing else mattered anymore... nothing but her...she was the reason I got up every day...she consumed my every thought...was in my every dream...I lived only for her. 
Though our lives together have been anything but normal,  though I've still felt pain,  I've still felt loneliness, I've still felt lost at times  I wouldn't trade a day of being with her for anything in this world.  I've felt more loved,  felt more compassion, felt more understood, and felt more passion than I could have ever known.  I still may not yet know everything about her but then I've yet to learn everything about myself.  It's been fourteen years, 168 months,  728 weeks,  5110 days, 8 years of marriage,   4 addresses changes,  3 beautiful kids,  2 lives intertwined forever,  and 1 hell of a ride.
I still watch her while she sleeps,  I still melt at her embrace,  I still remain lost when we're apart, she still consumes my every thought, she's still the reason I wake up every morning,  she's still in my every dream,  and I still live for her.........
Her.....It's always been her 

A Small Deceit

What’s the harm in such a small deceit

After all I’m just being discreet

You know it’s just a small white lie

And the only reason for my alibi

I only did it to avoid your ragging

Because I knew that you’d be nagging

 

I know you think this how it begins

The first step toward a bigger sin

From half-truths to full lies

Hard so see thru smoky eyes

You know it’s all I’d keep from you

The things I’ve done before are thru

Selfish

Do you ever think of yourself as selfish?  Chances are that if you don't have kids you may not yet realize the extent of your selfishness. I for one am the exception....ha.  I would like to be able to say that without being a liar.  The truth is that I am extremely selfish.  I miss being able to sleep in, or hell just being able to sleep at all without being woken up every two hours by the hunger cries of a one month old. (Not that I wouldn't gladly do anything for that beautiful little girl.....just saying) I get jealous of the people that get to go out and do things. I wish we had the stereo typical parents who always wanted to watch and babysit the grand kids.  I wish I didnt sometimes get jealous of my kids and the closeness they have with my wife; although so greatful that they have a mother that loves them so much I still at times long for the closeness my wife and I used to share with each other.  We used to share everything with one another......now it's more like we share everything about our kids but that seems to be the extent of it anymore.  I know all of this sounds awfully selfish, it is! That's my point.  It's a part of me that I had never really noticed until I had kids, but then again I did pretty much what ever I wanted back then.  I guess you don't really notice your selfish tendencies until you find something worth give them up for.  The thoughts or more so the feelings that drive that selfishness are still present but there is something more important that is out weighing  that internal drive.  Even though that goes on, I know I am still selfish.  I want more than I receive from friends, my job, my family.  I want more emotion and passion from my wife than I know she can give.  I want my kids to grow and do things that they aren't quite ready for (their just kids, I was way worse). I want God to fix things in my life but more often than not I don't follow what he calls me to do.  SELFISH!!!   We all are. We're just born that way.  As selfish as I am, and knowing that, I still get angry at the selfishness of others.  I am what I dislike in others. I am me, more me than I would like at times.

       
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)

 He must increase, but I must decrease. (John 3:30)

Waiting and wanting

There is a lust, a passion a must

that's missing from my life

a desire of my wife

I want, I need

your eyes full of fire

you with a desire

wanting and needing

and pulling me in

a mutual embrace

and passion in place

you wanting, me wanting

gripping and grabbing

not convince and give in

you laying, me doing

so quickly we're thru with

So for now it's me waiting

for you to be wanting

something with feeling

something with meaning

So for now it's me waiting

So for now it's me waiting

 

zzz

"Sleep" is not a four letter word, but yet hold your tongue when speaking such things in the presents of the zombified.  Those who have those weary, dreary, blood shot eyes.  Those with the  drooping head and the distant gaze.  Those incoherent  mumbling fools.  You know the ones!?  The ones who used to be so articulate, intelligent, elegant, and funny.  The ones who seem to have lost their edge.  The ones who have one foot off the ledge.  Those lost somewhere between insomnia and narcolepsy.  They hear your words and nod along but its clear there's no one there.  Don't mention your night, or your rest, or napping;  and what every you do never say you're "tired too".  For  those zombies; with the weary, dreary, blood shot eyes;  are at the verge and just like that...BOOM!...they'll SNAP!  It's not their fault you've been forewarned.

"Hello new baby......good bye to sl**p...zzz

And the days did pass on by

Passion & Lust

Happiness & Trust

and the days did pass on by

Rings & Bells

Kisses & Veils

and the days did pass on by

Babies & Smiles

Laundry & Piles

and the days did pass on by

Passion & Lust

Pain & Disgust

and the days did pass on by

Talking & Saying

Thinking & Praying

and the days did pass on by

Loving & Living

Staying & Forgiving

and the days did pass on by

Clear & Hazy 

Beautiful & Crazy

Marriage & Life

of a

Husband & Wife

Happily worn

His alarm rings, its time to rise
Its hard to see behind his tired eyes
"Could it be so soon again?"
"I've only just fallen asleep my friend"
The clock just sits and blinks
Off to work, "Oh this stinks"
I seek out coffee, strong and black,
To give the energy that I lack.
Faster, faster, I drive my truck,
"Late again, just my luck"
My eyes a weary, dark, and sagging
My feet are heavy, my boots are dragging
The work drags on and on and on
"How much longer till this day is gone?"
"Oh thank God, it's finally here!"
Time for that unwinding beer.
That was nice, but no time to dawdle
 Just remember, your still a father
"Daddy's home!", I hear them say
"Build this, fix this, come and play!"
Their energy level is up to ten
Just let me catch my second wind
Dinner, bathes, its all so hectic
Hope my wife doesn't feel neglected
Lock the doors and turn the lights
Its finally time for the night
I'm in my bed, I close my eyes
but not for long, the baby cries
Wide awake, and on my way
"I love you enough to do this everyday"
Sweet little baby in my arms
Next thing you know, there goes my alarm.......



 

Weight of the world

     In life our burdens can some times feel light and at others (most of the time) they can weigh you down.  Being a husband, a father, an employee; it can sometimes feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.  We all have the normal weight of our responsibilities and duties; I don't consider these to be burdens, though they can be quite trying at times and even down right difficult.  The burdens I am talking about are those that only affect you if you let them. The anger, disgust and disdain for a coworker,  that painful memory of the past,  unfounded and unspecific worry for the future, my wife is pregnant sexual frustration.......
     Life tends to throw plenty of heavy things on you from time to time, but one thing I have to be reminded  every now and then is that things are only as big and as heavy as you let them be.  Life doesn't have to be difficult,  we sometimes make mountains out of mole hills, we let our minds  blow them up into these huge weights and stack them up and carry them around.  The quicker we can let go and move on the less we feel the pressure, the less we feel burdened by them.  We're not meant to carry some burdens for very long.  There's a peace that comes from giving your burdens to God, the one that has the strength to carry them.  Its something that I have to do over and over again, because I have this bad habit of picking the same burdens back up again.  Maybe I just enjoy the feeling of giving it back to him.

 

 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.   For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  (Matthew 11:28-30)

Have you been stressed?

    A few days ago I noticed a strange rash on my chest and paid it little mind, as I considered it insignificant.  The next day the same looking rash  now appeared on my armpit as well as my back. Maybe there is something to it after all I thought, so I took the day off of work to go have it checked out.  Well, to be honest I  needed a break from the stresses of work and just used it as an excuse to myself in justifying this day of relaxation.  As it turns out the rash is actually "Shingles",  great this should be fun,  which my doctor believes was triggered by stress.  He asked me if there was anything that would have put me under stress in the last week or so. HA! Just the thought of him asking me that makes me laugh!  Oh the absurdity,  what hasn't happened to make me stress would have been a much easier question to answer. 

   Its been an eventful few week to say the least. My wife's birthday was last weekend and our dog ate the UPS package off the front porch that contained her present (along with a hundred other thing he's been hungry for).  My in-laws came in town,  we get along great, but none the less it is always stressful having guests from out of town. My son started soccer.  His first game was last Saturday, which I missed because of work. (...did I mention that the dog ate both of his new soccer balls)  My little girl started gymnastics, she's awesome at it and really enjoys it.  I missed her first class, but made it to her second one on Monday.  My nerves were on end because of all the kids running rampant in the hallway, but it was worth it to she her having so much fun.  Work has been busy and stressful as always with constant problems to resolve and prevent, and the ever looming schedule (too much to do and not enough time). Also my wife being pregnant and having four year old twins  presents its own ever present stresses on me.

   Although I know that God puts nothing on us that we can't handle, it is far too easy to fall into worrying and stressing  about things.  When I say that he puts nothing on us that we can't handle I do not mean alone,  there are many times that just one thing is too much for me to handle.  Its just a fact of life that the burdens of this world are too much for us that is why we must not carry them on our own,  but rather give them to God for his burden is light.  I forget often that my greatest strength is not my own and  that no matter the situation  I don't have to face anything alone.  So, like so many of us I too must remember that when I am feeling weak and overwhelmed I just need to ask God.  Not to ask him to spare me from those situations, but rather pray that he gives me strength to endure and through that feel his presence and be reminded that I am not alone.  

 

 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.   (Philippians 4:13)

 
Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word  (Psalm 119:114)
 
And he said, The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.  (Luke 18:27)
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  (Matthew 11:28-30)


       

Make Time

Wow! I knew it had been a while since the last time I had made a post, didn't realize it was quite this long though.  I guess life just has a way of becoming burdensome from time to time,  but in those times you tend to learn something about yourself.  For there are things that you will make time for and there are things that get pushed to the side, whether or not you are willing to admit it, the things that you make time for are the things that are important to you.  Apparently this blog didn't quite make the cut here recently, though I have missed it, it has been a great tool for me in sorting out my thoughts (hard to write something down without understanding it more).  I would like to sit here and say that I only made time for things that most would consider truly noble and worthy,  but then I would only be doing myself an injustice by looking back through rose colored glasses.  The truth is that all of us tend to have this list of things that we say our important to us (our wives, our kids,  our mothers, our fathers, our friends, our church, & so on),  and then we have  "the reality" of what we make time for in our lives.  When we look at this list ("the reality" list) our priorities tend to look a little different,  and by most accounts not nearly and noble and worthy.  I am no different,  just looking back on this past week I cringe a little.  I missed my little girls first gymnastics class and my sons first soccer game because I had to work, but then again I somehow managed to take off 3 hours early to play golf on Friday.  This is  not where I thought my priorities were when I started writing nor what I thought I was writing about when I started,  but I believe the Spirit has a way of showing us what we need to see when we need to see it. (though sometimes it feels like ripping a Band-Aid off and all the hair with it)  Its not always a pretty picture looking into a mirror at who we really are, when we compare it with the photo shopped image in our mind of who we thought we were we can better understand what we really want to be important and what we need to do to make time for what truly is important.  

Ephesians 5:15-16
Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Letter to my daugther

Tonight is the second year for me and my daughter to attend the "Father/Daughter Ball" with our church and like last year I wrote her a letter.  I thought I would record it on here, just incase it gets lost like last year.  (She is only four now and I thought I would save it till she could read it herself)

Whitley Faye,

    

     I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much I truly love you.  You mean the world to me and no matter what, you always will!  I want you to know how beautiful you are.  I could never have imagined having a daughter as beautiful as you are, or one that is as much fun as you are.  You are a pretty awesome little girl and I know that one day you will be an amazing women!  I want you to know that I will always be there for you, always protect you, and do everything in my power to always provide for your needs.  God made you perfect , perfectly the way he wanted you, perfectly the way he needed you; and never let anyone tell you any different.  God has a plan for you and the many wonderful abilities and gifts he has given you.  I look forward to watching you grow and seeing what God has in store for you.

 

                                                                                                                                            I Love You      

                                                                                                                -Daddy Boo Boo 

                                                                                                                     2/13/14        

Lucky Man

Just sitting here at work, waiting to get off, and I can't help but think about how lucky I am.  Lucky to have a good job to provide for my family.  Lucky to have a great family to provide for.  I've got an awesome wife who set me up an appointment for a one hour massage after work today.  Like I said,  awesome wife!  I can't even start to put into words how lucky I feel to have her.  I've got two amazing kids who have surpassed any and all expectations of what I could have imagined before they were here.  Fatherhood has been by far one of the most rewarding things in my life and I am so looking forward to multiplying that feeling with our next child.  I get to see some sneak peeks on Monday at the "anatomy ultra sound".  I can't begin to what this one is going to be like.  Is it a girl, is it a boy?  Will he look like me? Will she have her mothers eyes?  Will he be good at legos like his brother?  Will she be obsessed with toenail polish like her sister?  I'm so excited to be a father again!  I truly am a Lucky Man.  Or to say it better, I am a Blessed Man.

Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord.     (Psalms 127:3)

Can't wait to meet you

Thought I would share this awesome sneak peek of my newest little miracle!!!  I can't wait to meet him (or her)!  I must say that not finding out if this new bundle of joy is a boy or girl is way more exciting than I ever thought it would.  We have a long way to go, and I mean a long way to go,  I look forward to the excitement and suspense that we will have as we guess and predict it along the way.  Even more so, I look forward to the day when I get to hold that little baby in my arms!!  I love you and can't wait to meet you .   Hurry up and get here, I miss you already.

-Daddy Boo Boo

Psalm 139:13 For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I hate you hormones

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, that it's just not quite good enough.  I like to think that I am a fairly capable human being, until my wife is pregnant that is!  At that time I apparently lose my ability to preform even the most basic of tasks to even a somewhat satisfactory level.  Laundry,  how hard can this one be?  You simply put the cloths in, add detergent,  and turn it on right?  Wrong.  Apparently you can not wash towels with a Candy Cane Princess Dress!  Of coarse not, all the candy canes fall off and the little mesh skirt will be ripped to shreds!  You can not put your wife's clothes away for her either, this is a no-no,  you have no idea where they go, and will have no idea what you did with them when she come to you asking what the hell you did with them. (Side note: never wash the pile of clothes next to the laundry hamper,  yes they are dirty, but they must be hand washed by Asian monks in a sacred mountain stream with detergent that fell from the sky during the eclipse of a blue moon. aka: they're delicates, don't touch them)

Moving on, because I am clearly unfit for laundry duty.  Shall we try to help in the kitchen?  Oh look the dish washer is full,  this should be easy let me put these away this should be helpful.  Wrong!  Wrong? How could I have screwed this up you might ask?  I was asking my self this same question.  My wife: "Did you put those dishes away that where in the dishwasher?"  Me: (very proud of myself for doing so and happy that she noticed) "Why yes I did, your welcome."  My wife's next comments were not entirely what I had expected, you know gracious, thankful, loving, and whatnot.  In fact they where quite the opposite!  My question is how the hell was I supposed to know that she had shut the dishwasher off halfway through so that she could hear the TV last night?  Do you think that she could tell they weren't clean if she didn't have this key bit of information that I was oblivious of?  Surely any halfway competent person would have noticed and simply restarted the dishwasher rather than put dirty dishes in every cabinet in the kitchen! Surely?!?  So I said to myself, "Self, you just aren't cut out for doing the dishes."

So... being incompetent  at the most basic of basic house hold tasks I find myself in a position to not be of much use to my pregnant wife.  So when the time came that she asked me to get her a glass of water, I complied without hesitation.  I brought her a glass of water into the living room where she was lying on the couch,  by the time I get back to the kitchen I hear a very frustrated yell "BABE!"
What could possibly be wrong with that?!  My preggo wife was apparently too tired to sit up to drink her water and had spilt most of it on her shirt.  This was all my fault, she let me know: "Babe you put too damn much water in the glass and I spilt it!"  How stupid of me for not realizing that a pregnant woman has the same coordination when it comes to drinks as my two four-year old kids do.  I hate you hormones, I hate you!


  Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Sick in the head

People that know me and my family (friends, coworkers, relatives) used to joke and say that I needed more kids and to be honest the thought scared the crap out of me for the longest time.   I mean they were right from they're point of view, my life is pretty hectic at times with just two kids.  But, it only takes the littlest thing from one of my kids for me to know that my life is going to be so much better when "plus one" arrives. So just hang with me as I attempt to take you on a journey thru my chaotic life and distorted thought process.  

   Well it's the season, nope, not holiday, not winter, not the season of new beginnings and resolutions. It's flu season, or as I call it "cold,flu,stomach bug,out of sick days, this freakin sucks season".  It started for us a week and a half before Christmas, we where hit with the first assault on our bodies as well as our sanity. Colds, fevers, coughs, began on a Monday; luckily for me I felt like crap all week but was far too busy with pre-schedualed inspections to miss work. So my wife got to be the one to miss a whole week of work to take care of sick kids.  My daughter ended up having an ear infection that was (of coarse why not) treated with an antibiotic that broke her out in hives and made her throw up. 

So fast forward thru two whole weeks of varying degrees of sickness for each of us to this past Sunday, one of the highlights of my year.   I'd been running a fever and sweating buckets since Saturday morning, so I felt like crap. As I lie on the couch that afternoon while my wife gives the kids their bath in our bathroom that evening I hear my wife yell "Wyatt run to the other bathroom".  That's never good to hear.  A split second later, a butt naked blond haired  soaking wet little boy goes flying thru the living room like bat outta hell. As rounds the corner thru the hallway a turd flings out onto our white carpet (YAY),  as this happens he swings around like he going to pick it up of something?!? I yell, "keep going!!"  He's done, back in the bath, carpet cleaned! That sucked, I feel like crap, back on the couch. 

Hours later, probably past mid-night now, my wife and I wake up to a coughing sound that turns into a throw-up sound.  My little girl just yacked up pizza all over the white carpet, well my wife managed to catch some in my shirt.  Just great another one sick,  brown and red stains in the carpet,  and I've managed to sweat up every set of sheet in the house in the last few nights.  My home is now a living experiment of Murphy's Law (anything that can happen will happen).  My daughter and I have now been quariantined to the spare room for the remainer of the night.  We wake up to a deserted house, guess everyone else went to school and work,  just us here to fend for ourselves.  This is when I realize just how magical sickness is.  My little girl who never stops moving or talking  is too sick to do either,  all she can do is snuggle with me on the couch and watch movies.  I got to enjoy two whole days of this little angle wanting no one but her daddy, and even though I was sick too I loved every minute of it.  I can't wait to be sick with the next one, I must be sick in the head.

Proverbs 17:22 Be Joyful
A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones.

In Awe of your love

A Facebook post by my wife:

Happy 4th Birthday to the best things that ever happened to me, besides your Daddy.
We love you very much!!!
Love,
Mama


To my wife,
First I would like to say that those are the cutest babies I have ever seen! (and I say that being the most unbiased, most competent,  and most reliable source available to judge such things)  These two precious little (not so little any more) things truly have been a blessing in our lives and I've loved them every step of the way. I could not imagine my life without them, oh what a sad and unfulfilling life that would surely be.  The reason I felt the need to share this post on my blog is because I was so taken back by three little words; "besides your Daddy".  Words can not begin to express  the feelings of unworthliness, the shock, the wonder, the pure and undiluted emotion that this simple statement brought on inside of me.  To look in her eyes, at that frozen moment in time, I see the joy and the passionate affection for these two snuggly wrapped miracles.  I see a tired, yet purely content,  woman holding what she never thought she would.  A woman who had never looked more beautiful to me than she did in that moment.  A woman who some how some way God found me worth of marrying, found me worthy of fathering her children.  I could live the rest of my life and not accomplish another thing, and I would consider my life a success.  I consider it an immense honor and privilege to have this amazing woman as the mother of my children, and even more so to have her as my wife.  I am humbly greatful to be so blessed.  To Wyatt and Whitley I say, "Happy Birthday".  To my wife I simply say, "Thank you and I love you." To God I say the same, "Thank you and I love you."

-Your humble, joyous, shocked, wowed, awed, honored, greatful, and forever loving husband

Perspective

I awoke this morning and dreaded even crawling out of bed, but with a scratchy throat and stuffy nose I decided to get going after hitting the snooze button for the tenth time. Just as I expected, another cold and frosty morning. I use a little warm water to get rid of the ice on my windshield then climb on in for my normal hour long commute. As I drive down the road I can see every breath I take rolling past my slightly numb lips, just another chilly drive since my heater went out and winter set in. As I tend to do on my morning drive, I spend some time talking with God. As my cold fingers grip the even colder steering wheel, I thank him for the fact that I have transportation to get to work, I thank him that I have a job to provide for my family, and I thank him for the sweet auburn clad Snuggie that is currently wrapped around my neck like an over sized scarf.

Shortly after my talk (prayer or whatever), I merge onto I-10 West bound and as the slight fog dissipates I see an image that catches my eye. The view I have is of a full moon next to the RSA tower in downtown Mobile, but not just any moon what appears to be the biggest moon I've ever seen. As I continue on my daily journey the view before me begins to slowly change. The moon begins to change, it grows smaller and smaller with each passing mile until it is only a fraction of the size it was when I first caught sight of it. Or perhaps through some bizarre circumstance the building itself had somehow grown larger. Now I now better than to think that the moon had gotten smaller or that the building had gotten bigger. The only thing that has changed was me, the only thing that had changed was my perspective. Nothing about either one had changed, but where "I was" had changed my view of them. This same concept is so very true in all aspects of my life and my faith.

It's all about perspective. Something as simple as not having a heater on a cold winter morning allowed me to see this so clearly. I feel now that I was blessed by not having that warmth blowing from my dash, because I may have missed the very thing that God intended to blow through my thoughts and my soul this very morning. He never ceases to amaze me, through the way he chooses to change me, through the things he does to enlighten me, and how subtly he does it.  I used to have a view of God that was so very different from the view I have today. God is so much bigger, so much better, so much more than I ever thought was or could be.  God has not changed, only my perspective of him has changed. The closer I get to him the more beautiful he becomes. The closer I get to him the more I notice him in my life. The closer I get to him the more I love myself and others. The closer I get to him the closer I what to become.

Psalm 139:1-14 gives us a glimpse of the greatest perspective of all; God's perspective.

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Carpenter of men

 



Yesterday evening I was "helping" my uncle in his barn, when I say helping I mean I was doing the work while he spent his time hunting down the next tool I would need to get the job done. The task at hand is one that we have been putting off for quite some time now; completing a wrap around work bench in the tool room section of his barn. The reason we've been putting it off is because of the wood being used for this project: 4"x7" rough cut lumber, twisted, cracked, wood that originally came from large industrial pallets the length of a rail car, to say this was probably the least suited lumber for the job would be an understatement.

As I was diligently working each board; strategically prying, wedging, cutting, hammering, drilling, and screwing; I began to think about another carpenter. I don't know if I ever thought much about the similarities of being a carpenter working with rough raw material and God working in rough and broken people. As I slowly and methodically work each crook, twist, and bow out of each board; I can not help but think of the correlation with how God, Jesus, and his Spirit that lives in me is slowly straightening me out. There is nothing that the board beneath my hand can do to straighten itself out, nothing can be done under its own will, no amount of want or work on it's part can change its twisted and flawed existence. Though this twisted and flawed board would have no reason to believe that it was worthy of being placed atop this sturdy yet humble work bench; the truth is that I have chosen it for that and I will make it worthy, I will straighten it out, I will make it able to fill the need I have for it. This board may not have known what it was made for and even now as it fulfills that role it still does not know, but it is filling that role just as it was slowly shaped to do so.

This board and I have so very much in common. I don't know what role God has in store for me, or how he plans on using me. One thing I do know is that just as I shape and change a piece of wood to fit the plan I have for it, Jesus is immensely more capable of shaping and changing me to meet the role he has for me and my life. I know how flawed I am, how crooked, how twisted, and how unable I most surely am to fill whatever role he has in store. I know that he knows all of my shortcomings more so than I ever will. I also know that he has a plan for each of us; though we may believe that we are the least suited for the role; and he will make us into what he needs us to be. He does not call the able, but enables the called. Truly a carpenter of men!







10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
(Ephesians 2:10)