In Awe of your love

A Facebook post by my wife:

Happy 4th Birthday to the best things that ever happened to me, besides your Daddy.
We love you very much!!!
Love,
Mama


To my wife,
First I would like to say that those are the cutest babies I have ever seen! (and I say that being the most unbiased, most competent,  and most reliable source available to judge such things)  These two precious little (not so little any more) things truly have been a blessing in our lives and I've loved them every step of the way. I could not imagine my life without them, oh what a sad and unfulfilling life that would surely be.  The reason I felt the need to share this post on my blog is because I was so taken back by three little words; "besides your Daddy".  Words can not begin to express  the feelings of unworthliness, the shock, the wonder, the pure and undiluted emotion that this simple statement brought on inside of me.  To look in her eyes, at that frozen moment in time, I see the joy and the passionate affection for these two snuggly wrapped miracles.  I see a tired, yet purely content,  woman holding what she never thought she would.  A woman who had never looked more beautiful to me than she did in that moment.  A woman who some how some way God found me worth of marrying, found me worthy of fathering her children.  I could live the rest of my life and not accomplish another thing, and I would consider my life a success.  I consider it an immense honor and privilege to have this amazing woman as the mother of my children, and even more so to have her as my wife.  I am humbly greatful to be so blessed.  To Wyatt and Whitley I say, "Happy Birthday".  To my wife I simply say, "Thank you and I love you." To God I say the same, "Thank you and I love you."

-Your humble, joyous, shocked, wowed, awed, honored, greatful, and forever loving husband

Perspective

I awoke this morning and dreaded even crawling out of bed, but with a scratchy throat and stuffy nose I decided to get going after hitting the snooze button for the tenth time. Just as I expected, another cold and frosty morning. I use a little warm water to get rid of the ice on my windshield then climb on in for my normal hour long commute. As I drive down the road I can see every breath I take rolling past my slightly numb lips, just another chilly drive since my heater went out and winter set in. As I tend to do on my morning drive, I spend some time talking with God. As my cold fingers grip the even colder steering wheel, I thank him for the fact that I have transportation to get to work, I thank him that I have a job to provide for my family, and I thank him for the sweet auburn clad Snuggie that is currently wrapped around my neck like an over sized scarf.

Shortly after my talk (prayer or whatever), I merge onto I-10 West bound and as the slight fog dissipates I see an image that catches my eye. The view I have is of a full moon next to the RSA tower in downtown Mobile, but not just any moon what appears to be the biggest moon I've ever seen. As I continue on my daily journey the view before me begins to slowly change. The moon begins to change, it grows smaller and smaller with each passing mile until it is only a fraction of the size it was when I first caught sight of it. Or perhaps through some bizarre circumstance the building itself had somehow grown larger. Now I now better than to think that the moon had gotten smaller or that the building had gotten bigger. The only thing that has changed was me, the only thing that had changed was my perspective. Nothing about either one had changed, but where "I was" had changed my view of them. This same concept is so very true in all aspects of my life and my faith.

It's all about perspective. Something as simple as not having a heater on a cold winter morning allowed me to see this so clearly. I feel now that I was blessed by not having that warmth blowing from my dash, because I may have missed the very thing that God intended to blow through my thoughts and my soul this very morning. He never ceases to amaze me, through the way he chooses to change me, through the things he does to enlighten me, and how subtly he does it.  I used to have a view of God that was so very different from the view I have today. God is so much bigger, so much better, so much more than I ever thought was or could be.  God has not changed, only my perspective of him has changed. The closer I get to him the more beautiful he becomes. The closer I get to him the more I notice him in my life. The closer I get to him the more I love myself and others. The closer I get to him the closer I what to become.

Psalm 139:1-14 gives us a glimpse of the greatest perspective of all; God's perspective.

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Carpenter of men

 



Yesterday evening I was "helping" my uncle in his barn, when I say helping I mean I was doing the work while he spent his time hunting down the next tool I would need to get the job done. The task at hand is one that we have been putting off for quite some time now; completing a wrap around work bench in the tool room section of his barn. The reason we've been putting it off is because of the wood being used for this project: 4"x7" rough cut lumber, twisted, cracked, wood that originally came from large industrial pallets the length of a rail car, to say this was probably the least suited lumber for the job would be an understatement.

As I was diligently working each board; strategically prying, wedging, cutting, hammering, drilling, and screwing; I began to think about another carpenter. I don't know if I ever thought much about the similarities of being a carpenter working with rough raw material and God working in rough and broken people. As I slowly and methodically work each crook, twist, and bow out of each board; I can not help but think of the correlation with how God, Jesus, and his Spirit that lives in me is slowly straightening me out. There is nothing that the board beneath my hand can do to straighten itself out, nothing can be done under its own will, no amount of want or work on it's part can change its twisted and flawed existence. Though this twisted and flawed board would have no reason to believe that it was worthy of being placed atop this sturdy yet humble work bench; the truth is that I have chosen it for that and I will make it worthy, I will straighten it out, I will make it able to fill the need I have for it. This board may not have known what it was made for and even now as it fulfills that role it still does not know, but it is filling that role just as it was slowly shaped to do so.

This board and I have so very much in common. I don't know what role God has in store for me, or how he plans on using me. One thing I do know is that just as I shape and change a piece of wood to fit the plan I have for it, Jesus is immensely more capable of shaping and changing me to meet the role he has for me and my life. I know how flawed I am, how crooked, how twisted, and how unable I most surely am to fill whatever role he has in store. I know that he knows all of my shortcomings more so than I ever will. I also know that he has a plan for each of us; though we may believe that we are the least suited for the role; and he will make us into what he needs us to be. He does not call the able, but enables the called. Truly a carpenter of men!







10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
(Ephesians 2:10)

Preg-envy

Is it just me or are there any other men out there who get a little jealous of thier pregnant wives? Now I'm not saying that I'm jealous of the discomfort of pregnancy, or the pains of childbirth, or the the toll it takes on thier body. But it's hard not to think about the fact that they get to have this eternal bond with them. I know this bond that comes from carrying the baby for nine months transcends the baby stage, because I see it daily with my twins. In the way they always want their mother. "No daddy, I want mommy to carry me to bed!" A statement I hear nightly from my precious little girl. It's the way my twins fight over who gets to lay by their mother on the couch, the loser of this nightly debate gets the secondary prize of laying by their father. Its the little things like these that cut the deepest, how could you not be jealous of a bond like that? Don't get me wrong, I have a great relationship with my kids and I know that they love me as I do them. I'm just saying that; damn it's frustrating at times because everything I do is for them, my time spent at work, my thoughts, my prayers, plans for the future. It reminds me of a verse from Pauls second letter to the church of Corinthians: ... because what I want is not your possessions but you. After all, children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children. So I will very gladly spend for you everything I have and expend myself as well. If I love you more, will you love me less? (2 Corinthians 12:14-15)

Its probably just my sentimental nature and my longing for truely deep conections with my family. In all truth I probably wouldn't survive as a pregnant woman. (you know, narrow hips and all) I am so very thankful for the mother of my children, I am truely thankful that I was blessed enough to have children born from her, an amazing woman, an amazing mother. To which I would like to say; "Sorry I used your loofa(luffa,loufa,loofah....however you spell it) to wipe your sons ass when you put him in the shower with me last night" (thankyou for that, I was actually in the middle of brushing my teeth when you threw him in there....gag)

Laugh it off

Well I wish I had another really great story for you about the adventures of super dad, but thankfully for my sake no new disasters to report today. So I thought I would take this time to talk about finding joy in the craziest parts of your life, about being able to laugh at your self, being able to find the humor in your own screwed up existence. Being the most handsome, the most athletic, and the most popular kid ever; naturally I never had to deal with insults, let downs, defeat, or any kind of conflict that burdens the rest of world. RIGHT!? I wouldn't say that I had a normal childhood (only because I have no idea what that means), I would only say that it was a fairly typical one. You know the kind I'm talking about; the kind where your parents never wanted you in the house. So me and my misfit gang of cousins made our mark on the world in the great outdoors. We spent most of our childhood in make-believe land where we lived out our wildest fantasies. The only sense of reality was the ever present chance that we could die or be seriously injured at any moment by any number of our half thought out schemes.

I'm not sure where I got my sense of humor from, as morbid as it is, but I do know that I would not have survived without it. I look on as my own children run and play; my son thinks he is a ninja turtle who has the technical mastery in combat that is rivaled by none, my daughter apparently thinks she is a special education teacher and her bother, my wife, and myself are undoubtedly her students(Obviously since we lack the ability to follow her clearly defined direction); and I am some how proud and thankful of the fact that they have inherited my sick and twisted sense of reality and humor. Now I can by no means take all the credit for how these two ended up. Not only did they get the other half of their genes from their mother, but there is no way to avoid the nurture side. (personalities like theirs must be carefully nurtured with the involvement of both dysfunctional parents)

The ability to laugh away your woes and sorrows is a gift from God. The ability to laugh at others woes is....well just a health sense humor. I'm not delusional enough to think that our lives could ever be without trials and troubles, so one must simply make the most out of them and laugh it off. If you can't bring yourself to do that, at least have the common decency to tell someone so they can laugh it off for you. I found myself in this very situation over the past weekend. I found no humor in the situation whatsoever, but allowing others the chance to hear the testimony of my story allowed me to at least enjoy some humor in the reactions of others. As we all know Laughter is contagious.



A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
(Proverbs 17:22)


A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
(Proverbs 15:13)

Holiday Explosion

SANTA SCARES THE S#!* OUT OF ME

Well its that time of the year, the time of year to dress your kids up in Christmas outfits that they hate and drag them kicking and screaming to have their picture taken with creepy old guy in a red suit so that we can laugh at the picture for years to come. So goes the tradition with my kids as well; but this year took a turn that, to say the least, I could have never saw coming.

It started out as normal as any day in my life could possibly be, just another Friday at work. I get off of work slightly earlier on Fridays, so on these days I tend to be the one to pick the kids up from daycare. So, I pick them up and meet my wife at her work to have the kids change into their adorably cute Christmas outfits. My little girl loves clothes almost as much as changing clothes, so for her this was no big deal...candy cane princess DONE. My son on the other hand can see nothing wrong with wearing jeans, hunting boots, and a ninja turtle shirt every hour of every day, so getting him to wear a V-neck sweater with Rudolph on it is like trying to tie a snake into a knot. Alright, we've got one candy cane princess and a verbal agreement from a soon to be 4 year old that he will wear his sweater when we get there. (sounds believable)

We arrive at the mall and to my amazement, my son actually puts on the sweater. This may go better than expected.....WRONG. Wyatt ,although he has apparently lost his ability to talk, fearlessly sits in Santa's lap. He can not see the snakes and monsters poking out of his big red coat that apparently are only visible to his sisters terror stricken eyes. The excitement of my daughter to see Santa has somehow morphed into complete and utter fear for her life. Surely if she lets go of this death grip she will somehow get sucked into a vortex back to Santa's torture chamber at the north pole. No amount of coaxing or bribing will get this shivering child into the possible pedophile's lap, so this ends the seasonal photo op and the real story begins.....

My wife decides to go to the dress store and browse for a dress for her upcoming work Christmas party while I take the kids to the book store to browse around and kill time. They, like always, make a bee line to the train table in the kids section. I attempt to look around, while not wanting to wonder too far away for fear of something getting destroyed and me stuck paying for it. We must have been in the story for all of 5 minutes before I hear the most dreaded words a father can hear from their child while out shopping....."DADDY...I POOPED IN MY PANTS". That's right my sweet little innocent 4 year old son who has been potty trained for years has pooped his pants in the F-ing book store. So time to assess the situation. I calmly escort the two of them across the store to the men's bathroom, my son waddling all the way with tears of embarrassment in his eyes. His sister repeating his statement in her quietest voice, which could be heard in the next state over much less throughout the store, all the way there. We made it, thank God we made it! Ok, now we'll just throw away his underwear, wipe his ass, then he can free ball outta here like nothing ever happened....

WRONG AGAIN!!!! I untie his boots and pull them off. Then I undo his jeans and pull them down..... HOLY S#!T!!!!.....the smell hits me along with the gravity of the situation! This disaster just went to CODE RED!!! (a.k.a. where the hell is your mother) "Hold your shirt up." Pants off. "Hold your shirt up!" Socks in the trash! "Hold your shirt up!" Underwear in the trash! Whole roll of toilet paper used....out of  toilet paper!!! "Hold your damn shirt up son!!!" "Whitley stop touching the toilet!!!" CALL ONE: no answer...... CALL TWO: no answer..... CALL THREE: NO F-ING ANWSER....CALL # WHO THE F KNOWS: ME:"Diarrhea Emergency!!!! I need underwear, socks, shorts like now!!!" My wife: "For you?" Me:"F-ing NO!!! Wyatt!!! Hurry!! For real Hurry!!! (end call) "Wyatt hold your shirt up!!! Whitley get off the F-ing floor!!!" whole roll of wet paper towels used!!! "Wyatt get your hand out of the toilet!!!" WTF!!! Not again.... "Wyatt get on the toilet!!!" "Whitley back up...just stand over there and don't touch anything!!" found more paper towels... (wonder how long that guy has been in that other stall? F-it who cares) "Wyatt stand up stop trying to look under the stall!" (It smells so bad in here, can't believe I haven't gagged yet, where the F is she at)..............................................(30 min later) Finally, thank God she's here. "Son your lucky I love you" "I love you too Diddy"

New clothes on and headed out the door. The twin's: "we  wanna play at the train table again"  "HELL NO!!!!" Done going home. Almost out the door....not again....your turn momma....they made it. Ok...now we're leaving, he's riding with me....hope we make it! At home, in the door. "Come on son we're taking a shower." "I don't need a shower I pooped in my pants!" Oh the logic of a four year old.


Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.
(Psalm 127:3)

Maybe I was in the wrong

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your mad at someone for the way they called you out when your in the wrong? Maybe it's just me and my somewhat sensitive nature at times. Maybe it's that I feel that your significant other should be on your side even when your wrong, at least in the moment until a better opportunity arrives to enlighten them to the fact that they are wrong. Maybe just letting the situation pass by without a confrontation when they are completely oblivious that there is a situation. Maybe I was just too awesome on the dance floor. Maybe I was just slightly overwhelmed by Auburns unbelievable win during the SEC Championship game. Maybe...just maybe...I was in the wrong...I was a little over indulged and more than just slightly intoxicated.

Maybe I'm a little touchy when I've been drinking. Maybe I act an ass without even trying. Maybe I'm quick to get defensive. Maybe I'm stubborn. Maybe I'm quick to anger. Maybe I'm prone to stupid behavior. Maybe I can be an ass. Maybe I let my feelings get in my own way sometimes. Maybe I'm slow to apologize. Maybe I'm slow to ask for forgiveness. Maybe my wife is quick to grace and forgiveness and gives it without me even asking.

To My Loving Wife: I'm Sorry....You were right and I was wrong (you know I hate saying that last part)....Maybe I love you more than my words could ever express.

Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.(1 Peter 4:8)
Thank you for your grace and your love

Don't waste a second

Wow! I hadn't realized that it had been two weeks since I last wrote a post, that goes back to a recent post of mine about being overwhelmed by this season. So, Thanksgiving has come and gone, always a joy to eat myself into a coma. The day after my dad and I headed to the deer woods, as we typically do ever year. This year however was somewhat different, because for the first time my son came with us. Being just shy of four years old some would say he wasn't ready to go hunting, but none the less I felt he was. Just seeing how excited he was just to suit up in his hunting gear was enough to make the whole trip a success even though nothing was killed but time. Speaking of success and of time; this weekend also was an exciting weekend for my team (AUBURN) as they beat Bama with a jaw dropping last second missed field goal returned for a touchdown.

Looking back on this holiday weekend I have many things to be thankful for, but it's the little things that stick out to me the most. It's the smile of a little boy who gets to go with the big boys. It's the sound of a little girl asking when we're coming home. It's that little heartbeat that I can't yet hear. It's the woman who's still in my life that a year ago I thought I'd lost for good. Its that one second that is given to each and every one of us to do something amazing. That one second on a football field that inspired me to think about the joy in every second, the potential to do something positive in every second, the knowledge that our time here is short but we truly can do a lot with a short amount of time.

As short as a second is, don't waste it. Don't waste it thinking about the past. Don't waste it thinking about the future. Don't waste it being idle and unmoving. Before you know it that second has past.



There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
(Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Making Amends

Is it just me or do people sometimes hear what they want to hear? I think that when they know (or think rather)that they are right in their own mind it can deafen them to what is being said. Sometimes when someone thinks they are so much smarter than others they tend to fill in the blanks of what was said with thoughts of their own without ever asking the right questions. I believe that when posed a question from someone your answer is sometimes guided by what you believe is the motive behind it or their intended use of the information they are asking for. Or maybe perhaps I have misspoken. Either way, these situations tend to lend to conflicts when the two involved are both hardheaded and inclined to think that they are the one who is usually right. In these heated times it is easy to lose your cool at the onslaught of verbal abuse and find your self on someone else's level. A place that in times past I had no problem being, but now I find that I have this feeling that I let myself down. So, as I am sitting here typing away I realize that I can let this confrontation fester away or I can do something about it. I can be the one to man up, be the one that attempts to remedy the situation and not make something that in all actuality was no big deal become a more than it should be. So, that is what I intend on doing.....guess I'll let you know how this works out in the end......


Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)


Bridge mended.....sometimes just stepping back away from a situation for a moment gives both people time to have a new perspective and allows them to understand each other better. Stepping up and making amends can be a difficult thing at times, but when you can get your pride out of the way it becomes much easier to bring resolution and closure to most conflicts.

What's my name?

I've been thinking lately about the meaning of names. We all have a name that was given to us when we were born. Some of us had nicknames during our childhood or even that continued on with us throughout our lives. There is no doubt that there can be strong meanings behind a name.

My Son
Joseph: He will enlarge
Wyatt: Brave/strong/hardy warrior
(He is no doubt a larger than life embodiment of strength and bravery)

My daughter
Whitley: white field
Faye: Fairy
(She has always  been a little free spirit and as breathtaking as any cotton field lit by an Alabama sunset)

My Wife
Sarah: Princess
Anne: Grace; favor
(I myself have never met anyone more favorable to my heart, blessed with grace, and truly a queen in my eyes)

Me
Joseph: He will enlarge
Adam: Man
(This is yet to be seen....)

But, the truth is a name is but a name. Are we bond by a name, to fulfill only what our given name implies? Are we bound by the names we are mockingly called throughout our lives? Are we made by our names or are we meant to make a name for ourselves?

Many of us wander through life delusionally thinking that we are no more than the names and labels imposed upon us, either by others or ourselves. For some this may be, but not so for those that are in Christ. The bible tells us that for those who follow Christ here in this world that we will be given a new name in the next. Our new names are already carved in a white stone. We will not know our new name until we are truly home. This new name will have a meaning, we will truly know who we are, and at last we will truly know our purpose. God changed the earthly name of many people in the bible, their new name had a new meaning, a new purpose. We don't have to be who we were, God can and will change us that are called to him. We do not have to label ourselves. God already knows our name, and I for one can't wait for him to reveal to me who "I truly am".

So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away--look, what is new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)

See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. (1 John 3:2)

Rest in Him

So, I haven't made a post quite a few days. Busy time of year for me, as I'm sure it is for everyone else. Between Thanksgiving holiday around the corner; as well as Christmas and its ever looming shopping list, my kids birthdays the week before Christmas; family Christmas party; church small group Christmas party; my work "employee appreciation day"; my wife's work Christmas party; harvest season for "Harrison Farms"; hunting season (Male bonding time with my dad and brother); and I'm sure I missed a few other events that have slipped by mind......Anyway, my point is that with so much going on this time of year I find it very easy to loose sight of what is important and what matters. Don't get me wrong; enjoying my kids birthday, spending time with family and friends, celebrating the birth of Christ and God's love for us, these are all things that I value. I just find the holiday season very draining, almost like in a fog drifting through the season as if in a dream. I become anxious, tired, sad/mad at myself for not being happy at times during this time of year.

I'm sure some of this feeling comes from the burdens we (I) put on ourselves. Such as: Feeling like we have to attend every function. Buying and spending more than we really should on gifts (as if the amount of love we have for others is somehow based on the amount of things we get them for birthdays and Christmas). Not taking the time to enjoy the simple pleasure of the season. Trying not to fall behind on work while knowing in the back of your mind that regardless of how much you struggle to keep up that you will be playing catch up for the next month....ugh. Thinking about how commercialized the holidays have become. Just to name a few.

I feel the need to remind myself to REST in the Lord.

"Come to Me all who labor and are heavy laden AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I’m gently and lowly in heart, AND YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30)

I feel the need to remind myself that he WILL give me rest (not may or maybe, He WILL)
God wants us to come to him with our burdens and humbly lay them at his feet. He wants us to draw near to him. To rest in him and be at peace. Walk with him and not with this world. Be in this world but not of the world.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"
(Philippians 4:6-7)

I truly am thankful for God's love, all he has done in my life, and thankful that I know that I can rest in him.

Welcome to the Family

I look around me; at work, at the store, on TV, everywhere I turn; and see so many lost and broken people. The thing is, most of them don't even realize it. They think that they have a handle on their life or that life just is as it is and that they must face it alone. Many of them even think that God is a delusion created only in the minds of others. Many believe in him but think that simply believing is enough and don't truly live for him. Many are scared to give up the way of life they now live, afraid that if they start down that road with him that they will be changed, become like "the hypocrites that go to church". Many believe that they can never be good enough or that they have done too many wrongs to ever be able to look others in the eye and call them brothers and sisters in Christ.

The truth is that I was all of these, and looking back now I almost laugh at myself for not seeing what is so clear to me now. We are all broken, all, but we don't have to be lost and alone. We have a father in heaven who is calling out to us, with arms wide open, waiting for us to run to him. When we do: he will reveal himself to us; he will change us; he will work for us and through us. He says to us, "look here, these are your brothers and sisters who truly love you". So how can we be lost when we walk with our family, the family of God? We may be broken just as we all are but lost is one thing we are not. We have God and we have each other. God will fix our brokenness one day at a time and he will use us as a tool to fix the brokenness of our brothers and sisters.

But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, to them that believe on his name (John 1:12)

I feel truly blessed to have a new family of my own in the form of a small group. It took my wife and I over a year to find a group that fit for us. Either the day of the week didn't work, or the time, or the life stage was a little off for us, or there was no child care. I think God's timing is always perfect as well as his plans for us, because I couldn't think of a better group of people to grow together with. Though its only been a short amount of time since we first meet, I already know that God has put some amazing people in my life. Most seem as jacked up as me at time, and the rest, well I probably just need time to see that they are as well. That being said, they really are good people and want to do good for God, grow stronger in their faith, and reach the lost and broken in this world. Not sure where life's journey's will lead us but I do know that as long as I follow God, it will be amazing.

As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all , especially unto them who are of the household of faith (Galatians 6:10)

Somethings missing something

Have you ever had a time in your life where you were seeking affection from someone or trying to bond with them and it seemed like the more you try the less you got or the more distant you felt? It can knock you down and it will if you let it, but maybe there is more to it than it appears. Maybe I am being selfish? Maybe instead of thinking about what I am missing out on, what I am in need of, maybe I should be thinking about the other person and what they are in need of. What could be going on in them, what should I be doing for them? Maybe by filling their needs, I could in turn initiate the fulfillment of my own.

Does our greatest happiness not come from meeting the needs of others? Shouldn't we (I) be seeking to find our (my) happiness in the Lord? Jesus loves us and when we seek him and his affection it is there and when we wish to bond with him and become closer to him he always gives us that opportunity. I am learning this more and more every day. No one in this world can ever live up to our expectations. There will always be let downs and disappointment in every relationship, sometimes we are let down, other times we are the one falling short. I know that I fall short all the time, so how then can I be upset when I feel like someone is falling short of meeting my needs? The truth is that it is our human condition, us in all our brokenness, to feel disappointment in others yet feel that we are justified in those feelings. We all have a hole inside of us that we continually try to fill with things that don't fit, like a square peg in a round hole. (analogy intended...just for you) We can fill that hole. Jesus fits.


For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, (Romans 3:23)

Today and going forward, I will continue to try to not dwell on my own needs but look past them to the needs of others. The key word here is "try", because I know I will fall short at times; but I will do my best to remember this and let God tend to my needs.

Heaven without God?

Yesterday my wife and I were talking about someone very dear to us, particularly about a short conversation where this person mentioned that she does not believe in God but believes that she will go to heaven. This is a strange thought process for me to understand. One who believes in heaven must surly believe in God, right? A part of me thinks that what is missing in her is not a belief in God (believing in heaven surely means that there is some belief in something greater than this world), but rather a misunderstanding about God's love. It can be easy for those with a rough past to question God's love, I may not have all the answers for her but I do know that God definitely loves us. John 3:16 (one of the most quoted verses in the bible) tells us: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. God does love us; he wants our love, he wants our belief and faith in him as well. The book of John also tells us what Jesus thought about faith and belief: "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

She also made a comment along the lines of, "...so and so's husband just died, if there was a God he wouldn't let that happen". The word of God does not tell us that we will never suffer, but know that sin, evil, suffering was not God's doing. God made all creation and "it was good". He created man in his image, this included the capacity to love. To have the capacity to "love" we must have "free will", and from "free will" came the fall of man in the garden of Eden. Since the fall, our world and lives have been full of suffering. Even natural disasters and the like can be attributed to the fall of man. In our rejection of God (the we can do it without you attitude) he stepped back and let us see that we do need him. (like the fact that you can tell a child over and over not to touch something because it's hot but if he had touched it once you would never have to tell him again). Though there is suffering in this world there is hope, God sent us a savior that we my once again come to him and be in a perfect place.

".....In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33 (JESUS)

Look, I don't have all the answers, I don't claim to have all the answers. I, like many others, am still learning new things about myself every day. How can I answer all there is to ask of our God, the creator of me? I do on the other hand know one answer....JESUS!....and I am thoroughly content with that answer. I am not saying that I won't continue to diligently seek the answers to life's toughest questions, just that I am fully faithful that God has his reasons. My understanding is limited to my knowledge and my knowledge is limited to what is given, in time I will understand.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

I just hope and pray that the things which I know to be true can find it's way into the hearts of those who are lost, those who have these beliefs that are seated in their own misconceptions of who God truly is. Misconceptions formed from their own minds; built upon a painful past, present, or perceived future; and not from the word of God. I pray that God uses me, as broken as I am, to be an instrument for him.


How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? (Romans 10:14)

And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. (Mark 16:15-16)

Feeling Blessed

Feeling blessed these last couple of days. Just yesterday I received good news from my employer in the form of my first ESOP statement (looked way better than I ever would have expected), I received great news from my wife (not sharing that news just yet), I got a chance to talk to my good friend brother whom I haven't spoke to in far too long, and had a great night of just hanging out with family. It's easy to feel blessed when we have days like these, but are we not still blessed in moments of trials and tribulation?

I think we all need to be reminded that we are indeed blessed by those hard times in our past and the ones to come. God tells us through Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." God will use our trials, our tribulations, and our suffering for his glory. Maybe he needed you to go through something to gain the knowledge needed to help someone else. Maybe he needed you to overcome something so that someone else could see that it could be overcome. Maybe he took you through something so he could break you before he remade you.

There are so may reasons God calls us to suffer for him, but know that it is not for nothing. None can truly know why we have to go through our own particular struggles other than God, but we can take heart and rejoice because we know that he is using it. He will not let it go to waste. We should remember that he is working in us and through us in these times and that truly is something to rejoice in.

(Note to self: "Self....., remember what you just wrote, you'll need it in the future")





Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:2-5)

Friends in Need, in Need of my Friend

In my life there have been many people that I have called my friend. Though many have come and gone though out my life, either my  choice or their, or just by circumstances outside of either one our control. Sometimes it happens out of misunderstanding and stubbornness, this is the case with me now. I have sat by idle and waited as I believe he has as well. I know that we will pick up right where we left off, like we always do (never miss a beat), when we come back around.

I think about him and pray for him often but at times I get so frustrated with him. He is an amazing person and has a way with people and could use that gift to help people, but burdened with the weight of an addiction the has wreaked havoc on his life for as long as I have known him. I been in those places in my own life, a endless cycle of self destruction, and there is hope. In my own life I have a hard time not being reminded of the song "It ain't the Whiskey". There is always a painful past that initiated this perpetual cycle of self defeat. It's so easy to give up on someone who has given up on themselves, but would I be where I am today if not for the ones who believed in me when I had no belief in myself?

I love this man like a brother, and it kills me to think that he wandered back into my life (for a reason no doubt) and I let him wander back out. I was really put in my place by my son when we were saying our prayers last night. We got to the point in our prayers where we were praying for him and my son asked me, "where is he?" I told my son "I don't know", but in my mind I just thought "Lost". That's when it really hit me, I have been stubbornly waiting for him to call me or contact me. Those that are lost need to be found, those that fall need to be helped back up, and I miss my friend and need him back around.


A friend loves at all times... (Proverbs 17:17)


Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11)


A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)

Faith in things Hoped for

Have faith. Have faith that God will take care of what belongs to him. Has he not done so with us? Has he not guided us, cared for us, put people and events in our lives to better us? Who better to know what should be, what will be, what must be? Are our days not accounted for in his book; his book that contains all that was and is and is to come? Our God that know the number of hairs on our heads, the number of stars in the sky. In Gods hands are the things to which we have no control over; as well as the things that we "think" that we do have control over. To HOPE for the things we desire is a good and natural thing. But as we learn from Hebrews 11:1 "...FAITH is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things unseen." With hope we must also have faith. Hope is powerful, faith is powerful; as they should be for they both come from God. The greatest thing from God is Love. When we truly love him and put our hope and faith in him, we can fully trust that everything will happen as it should. Happen as he has planned, this I know is true. He knows the desires of our hearts, the wants and needs of our souls, the love that is in us , the greatness we are to become in his name. He loves us enough to provide us with what we need, not always what we want but what we need as only he can know. So we must have faith in him, faith that he will provide, faith that he will give us what is his to give, faith that we will be good stewards of what he entrusts to us.


For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (Psalm 139:13-16)

Don't Worry in Ourselves

In life we all have worries; worries about our past, worries about our present, and worries about our future; but it is not for us to control therefor it is not for us to worry. To those of us who are called the children of God, Jesus tells us: "let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid". When we worry, we are saying that we have doubt that God will take care of us, or that we are unwilling to suffer for his sake. God never said that life would be easy or that we would be free from suffering or that everything would go as we planned. Life is sometimes hard and we are called to suffer for his name, but everything will go as he has planned.

God's plan, that is what we are to trust in, that is where our confidence comes from, that is the reason we don't have to worry. Trusting in the Lord echoes throughout the bible. Psalms...."where does my help come from? my help comes from the Lord..."...."when I am afraid, I put my trust in you". Proverbs......"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." To let go of worry and to trust fully in God is not an easy thing to do, we are pre conditioned to worry and trust is something that comes with being close and develops over time. God wants us to grow closer to him over time, to always be moving toward him, to trust him fully, to hand our burdens and worries over to him. In whom else can we trust if not in him? Surely not ourselves, I know my own track record for what worrying has accomplished in my life and I gladly give my worry to him. Walk and talk closer with God and your trust in him will grow. Trust that he has a plan. Trust that all things work together for our good and his glory. Don't worry in ourselves but trust in him.

Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Who are you when no ones looking?

"Who are you when no ones looking?" I think this question is hard for anyone to reflect upon, because I think it can sometimes be that our greatest flaws are not so easily seen in ourselves. I myself have many many flaws that I am aware of and I'm sure I have a far greater number that I have no clue about. There are parts of me that I tend to hide from others, as I think many of us do. At times I am envious or jealous of others. At times I get angry or depressed about silly things that shouldn't matter. I snap at my kids when I'm moody, I'm distant and critical of every word or action of my wife when I feel I'm not getting the attention I feel I deserve. I drink too much and act an ass sometimes. If there was someone else writing this my short list of flaws would me much much longer I'm sure. I think we all tend to hide a part of ourselves to avoid criticism, but I also believe we do this out of fear of changing.
I know for a huge part of my life I avoided church and avoided God (or at least I thought I could avoid him) for this very reason. I was afraid that he would change me, afraid that I would miss out on the sinful way of life I had always lived, afraid that to change meant to give up so much. Little did I know that that was exactly what would happen when I stopped running from him and avoiding him. Even more of a surprise to me was how much I would love how he is changing me, how I don't miss the man I was or the life I thought I had, how everything I've given up had never really given me joy, how he has given me things that I didn't even know I was missing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want a side of me that no one sees. I want to be free, free to be criticized about my flaws, free to change each day into something so much more than I was yesterday, free to stumble, free to ask for help, free to give help, free to be who God wants me to be. I want to be able to ask myself that same question in the future; "who are you when no ones looking?"; and to be able to truthfully answer myself "exactly who God wants you to be".

Psalms 139:1-10

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

Obstacles

Have you ever had the feeling that the better you try to be or the more righteous you feel your cause is, that some obstacle always seems to get in the way? Well your right, because I have found in my own life and in my own endeavors that this is more the norm than the exception. This is because the enemy is content to not get in your way when your are already in your own way. He comes alive, ferociously slings obstacles in our way, and attempts to do anything he can to knock us off course when we are heading down the right path. That is how I know that I am doing a good work because the enemy is rarely silent at those times. You just have to not get dismayed or frightened by those obstacles and  not lose sight of where you are headed. Look to the word of God for your inspiration and those obstacles become easily navigable.

Psalms 119:105 tells us: "Your word is a lamp to my feet (making your journey easier to navigate) And a light to my path. (reminding you of where you are headed)

Hopeful

Today I am full of hope; hopeful of things to come, hopeful of things unseen, hopeful that what has yet to fully develop will do so in time. What does it mean to be hopeful? Hope. Hope is the culmination of wanting the fulfillment of ones dreams, the driving force behind those dreams, the anticipation of something greater than today. We all have hopes, hopes for our future here in this world and eternity, hopes for our marriage, hopes for the path of our children, hopes for the health of our loved ones, hopes that our lives will happen the way we want. Hope is a great thing, but is much more powerful when accompanied with prayer. In the end it is all in God's hands. John 5:14 tells us "If we ask anything according to his will, he hears", and Mark 11:24 tells us "Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." I believe these go hand in hand, because to fully believe that you will receive them you must also believe that it is the will of God, part of his all powerful plan for our lives. I think sometimes God lets us think we know part of the plan then proves us wrong so he can change us into something more, something more useful in his plan. Other times I have no doubt what his plans are for me and my life. He gives us both to strengthen our faith, because there is only one "right way" for our lives to play out and that is according to the will of God. So I will continue to be hopeful, I will continue to pray, and I will continue to faithfully believe in those hopes, dreams, and prayers.




"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
(Hebrews 11:1)

Walking Close and Wandering Away

Just thinking this morning about my own cycles of walking close with God and wandering away. It seems to me that I walk closer to him in times of distress and suffering rather than times of plenty. I'm not sure if this is the case with every follower. One would think that the opposite would be true, that its easier to walk close with God when it seams like he's taking care of you, that somehow your righteousness has something to do with the good times in your life. Or that it would be easier to turn your back on God and forsake him in times of despair, when you have feelings of how could he let this happen to me? Not that I find myself turning from him in the good times; I just know looking back that I have this habit of becoming complacent and not seeking God and his word diligently.
Self reflection is a very humbling experience for me. I know in times of woe I am seeking him every second of every hour of every day, down on my knees crying out to him, lost in his Word, fully in his presents, feeling the Holy Spirit guide and comfort me. Being in a good place at the moment, I find myself longing for that closeness with him. I don't long for pain and suffering, but just to feel that closeness with him that in my life has always come at those times. I guess in those times he knows you don't have anyone to share your experience with, so he is there to share our sufferings. In happy times we tend to be sharing it with those we love which I believe is what God wants for us, as Jesus commanded "love one another as I have loved you."
I guess I may be answering my own unasked question (how can I become closer to God in the good times in my life?) Could it be to just do as I am doing, seek him more diligently? Could it be to seek out those that are suffering in times that I am not? Could it be to get down on my knees and call out to him and thank him and praise him in my times of plenty? I believe that all of these are applicable to my own walk with God. I want nothing more than to close my and see Jesus smiling down on me and for God to use me as an instrument in his plan, a tool for his glory. I will continue to love him and seek him......


"I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me." (Proverbs 8:17)

Rejection and Acceptance

Have you ever felt rejected? I have, and do, at many times in my life. I remember growing up as a child, a younger brother to be exact, and always wanting to hang out with my brother and his friends. I remember not fitting in at school, not really being good at sports, not having many truly meaningful friendships throughout my childhood. I remember not being much of the ladies man, though I had several girlfriends I remember the broken hearts that went with them as well. My point is that rejection is a part of life, it happens to us all, but do the events of our past make us defend against future rejections? Or do they make us view small insignificant things as rejection? Do they make us perceive things the way we want to, the way that is comfortable for us, normal to us, is their a small twisted part of us that is comforted by this perceived rejection? Is there a part of us that tries to be everything to everyone in order to not feel rejected and to feel acceptance from everyone? Do we at times let our past rejections drive us to a self fulfilling prophecy of continued rejection? I have no doubt that my own insecurities have gotten in my way many more times than I would care to admit. I feel that is part of our daily struggle in life, to conquer our past and to break free of the chains of doubt and fear that have bound us to our past experiences. We can do this, we don't have to be restricted in our present because of our past. We can always take heart in the fact that God will never reject us, never turn his back to us, always receive us with open arms. One of my favorite songs (Run to you by Third Day) asks, "if I run to you, will you hold me in your arms?" I also love the ending, "Long before I even thought of returning, your arms were wide open, waiting for me to come home!" Rejection may come from others, but the feeling of rejection really comes from within. We can slowly eliminate these unfounded feelings of rejection by placing our feelings of acceptance and rejection where they should be, in the hands of the one who created us. (fearfully and wonderfully made) Jesus tells us that he will never reject us and that is all the acceptance we should ever need..................................................... "All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away".(John 6:37)

From us or Thru us?

What is from ourselves and what is from God using us for his glory and his plan? We make think, as I have and selfishly still do at times, that anything we do (the good, the bad, & the ugly)comes from ourselves. After closer review of myself and of the things I have done or said at times, their has been more grace in things I've done or words I've said than I am surely capable of. It would even be far too coincidental the chain of events that occur at times, with me being the only one knowing the full scope of my thoughts, events, conversations & whatnot; short of God himself. Therefor I am fully convinced that the Holy Spirit works in us, for us, and absolutely thru us! I for one am so very thankful that God uses me as an instrument and am thankful for the times when I know that he has used others around me as a tool for me.............................................................................."for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fill his good purpose" (Philippians 2:13)

Normally Abnormal Night

Wow. That's all I can say after the  most amazing and simplistic night I had hanging out with my family tonight. Just a normally abnormal night on the farm after work on a Friday night. Spending time talking of work, reminiscing about hunting camp trips with my father and my son, joking about my older brother and his girlfriend being over due to get engaged. Nothing better than sitting around a tailgate, have a few beers, kids laughing and playing, family joking about the past, talking about older extended family in health decline. I don't know if it was thoughts of the past or thoughts of the future, or as I believe the Holy Spirit speaking to me, but I had the most amazing conversation as short as it was with my dad that really touched my heart. Keeping in mind that this man knows nothing of my blog, not a man that thinks highly of time spent online (Facebook, blogging, or whatnot); a man that knows nothing of my feelings (or so I've always thought) of his time spent at work during my childhood. My father looked at me, while propped against the tailgate of a Chevy truck beer in hand watching my kids run and play, as I spoke with him about my weekend plans with my kids and my wife. He looked me right in the eye and said, "THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT"! He was talking about what he feels/felt is important in life. I feel so very fortunate that I learned this early in my life (30+ not that early). I had to restrain the emotional overload I felt from this simple response from him and just simply express my gratitude to him for his hard work and time he spent away from his family. I fully understand the financial difference between what he had to do to provide and what I myself deal with/have dealt with in my own life. I can only say that this is nothing short of the Holy Spirit speaking to me"......................" The Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children." (Romans8:16)

Time is Short

    Well it's Friday, for most of you it's the end of the work week, I tend to work most Saturdays myself. This industry I find myself in doesn't lend it self to the "family man". But, I have found that if I push harder during the week to complete my weekly tasks and employee obligations that I for the most part hear no qualms about taking off some Saturdays. I may hear the occasional taunt of "part timer", or something like that. Most of the time these mocking comments are from fellow employees that are just jealous of the time I get to spend with my family or the happiness they see in me when they hear me talk about the great time I got to spend with them.

     Being an hourly employee I do miss out on an extensive amount of overtime pay, but I have come to realize that there are so many thing in life far more important than financial security. Not that financial security isn't important, it's just that how much is enough? If one takes the time to think back on what you have used the hard earned money of working crazy overtime hours or weekend days that weren't really needed but more or less put in just for the benefit of extra income, you may find like I have that it was spent on things wanted rather than things needed. I know what I want and what I need! I need to be able to look back years from now and know that I spent my time were I should have, my time as a father, my time as a husband. I read somewhere today that "the best thing you can spend on your children is your time". I totally agree!

     I remember growing up as a child and not getting to spend much time with my own father, not that he wasn't an awesome dad when he wasn't working. You see I find myself in a very similar situation, because my father and I are in the same industry and it's demands on your time are high. These demands from work are high, but then again so are the needs of your family. One has to find a balance between providing a means for your family and providing time for your family. Even given my childhood, I found myself in a position were I hardly saw my wife and kids; working way to many hours, working out of town for months at a time. I know now that my time with them is very valuable, not just to them but to me as well. I was off last Saturday, I'm leaving work early today and off tomorrow, and I intend to take off many more days to come; weekends, Fridays, in the middle of the week, whenever I can because TIME IS SHORT................................................................. 

" Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are puff of smoke that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." (James 4:14)

Be Bold in your Faith

Well today was a good day. It has been on my heart for a few weeks to go the extra mile to support the spreading of the good news. So I took it upon my self to challenge my co-workers to join me in an attempt to collect 100 boxes for "Operation Christmas Child" (OCC), of course I sent out a mass email to 400+ employees all across the country. Which is kind of against company protocol, apparently, but we are called to be bold in our faith. It hit me this morning that I was being called to this, not only to spread the gospel to children around the world but also to the lost that are right here. The industry that I work in, Shipyard/Marine industry, is full of lost people and I feel that I have been called to be a light in this darkness. I know this because I have prayed many times in the past for God to provide me a job in a Christ like workplace where I could grow in my faith, but that is exactly what he is doing in me right where I am. If there is one thing I have learned it is that God always hears your prayers, he just doesn't always respond to them in the way we expect. Listen when the Spirit speaks to you, hard to hear when you get in your own way. We may not understand Gods plan, it may not line up with our plans, but we can not doubt that God knows what he's doing. Man it feels good to walk with him and let his desires be my desires. My boldness in following what God called me to this morning in sending out that email resulted in the CEO of our corporation personally emailing me.(a man I've never met...not sure he had ever even heard of me....he even referred to me as Frog....ha) In the end not much of a reprimand, but definitely an inspiration to many others in my company for my boldness. One of my friends from our Virginia office even stepped up to organize the same thing in the Virginia division. Even another email from the CEO saying that he was going to personally make a donation to help fund our efforts. God is good my friend, God is good................................................................... "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should" (Eph. 6:18-20)

The Conscious of a broken Man

I recently confessed to my wife that I had a ONS (one night stand), in opposition of the advice of every male friend I had confided in. I very very much regret having giving in to temptation and the fact that I forever compromised my own moral integrity. As painful as it was to confess this to my wife, I had to, it was something that I feel I had to do. For me to truly heal and move forward with my wife and my God, I had to confess my sins. I know in my heart that this is something I would never do again, never let myself be in a situation where it could happen again. My dilemma is that of the social stigma of the male population is to not have a conscious, that infidelity of a man is somehow acceptable; but confessing it is not socially accepted. Where are the moral leaders that we so need in this day in age? Surly, these moral leaders would not find themselves in that position, because they wouldn't compromise their moral integrity in the first place. I used to think highly of my own integrity, not so much anymore; but as broken as I am I know there is hope for redemption and change. We don't have to be who we were. To change we can not hold inside what we have done, even if we think we are protecting those that we love, guilt is a powerful poison. Guilt can cloud out the parts of your life that bring healing. I'm not saying that I no longer feel the guilt of what I did or that I don't feel convicted. Only that I no longer feel condemned and weighted down by my guilt. Having a conscious is not a bad thing, maybe yours doesn't push you to confess your sins to those you have wronged. Each of us has our on path, but if you listen to the Holy Spirit that lives within you will live a happier life. (wish I would of listened earlier).............................."Therefore, confess your sins to one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." (James 5:16)

The Past has Past so let it remain in the Past

Well today has been somewhat uneventful so I find my mind wondering to the past. I have found that spending some time in thought of the past can be healthy; lessons learned, obstacles overcome, fears conquered, and whatnot. It's when we dwell on the past and try to rethink every scenario and what if in our past or certain event in our past that it becomes counterproductive to us in the here and now. I think we all have beaten ourselves up over thinking about something in our past too much, I know I have struggled with it a lot in the last year of my life. If I would have done this or that or been more like I used to be or loved her more then she wouldn't have felt the way she did. Or if I was paying more attention than I would have noticed her changing. If I would have left with her when she was tired of being out of town. If I never would have took that first job out of town in the first place, never put my families financial needs above their emotional needs, she wouldn't have experienced that hurt, that abandonment. If she would have just told me how she felt. But would I have been smart enough at the time to listen or try to convince her that it was all OK. (maybe she did and maybe I did). The point I guess that I'm trying to make is that Today is too short to relive every event in the past. You can not change what has happened, only how you live today and the choices that you make today. True, remembering the past keeps you from making the same mistakes again, but dwelling on the past is akin to putting blinders on. You stay so focused on the past (and the pain of the past) and can't see the great things in front of you, and can quite possibly make choices that are based on your perception of the past. I know here in my recent past (a few months ago) I made a choice, driven by my perception of my present being distorted by my thought of my past. What I have done as well as what has been done to me can not be undone, but I can change the way I let the past cloud my decisions, my happiness, and the reality of my present. So be careful getting lost in YESTERDAY. Live TODAY. And as for TOMORROW.........."tomorrow will worry for itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own" (Matthew 6:34)

Thoughts on Happiness

I used to think that happiness was a state of being that just was; that it was easy and would always be. I lost that somewhere along the way, and at times thought that I would never find it again. But, as time goes by (time changes everything, but what you do with that time is key) once again happiness returns,like the seasons it fades away and returns again. That makes me think of my wedding song; "Watch the wind blow by" (Tim McCraw); it has new meaning to me now. There are seasons in a marriage and as you go thru those seasons you will find yourself and your spouse change as well. As you change and your marriage changes so to must your love for each other and how you express that love. You can't be stagnant, anything that is alive must me moving, changing, flowing; flowing to the next phase of your life, your marriage. If you find your self in a constant state of unchange, in your marriage or your life, be worried and afraid; because the goal in life is to grow and you can't grow while remaining the same. This may be for you,as it was for me, a hard thing to do when you think you are where you want to be, but there will come a day were you realize looking back that you were hanging on when you should have been moving forward. When you are moving happiness is easier to maintain, because it is rarly found in the boring times. I have been told that happiness can only come from within, a hard pill to swallow in down times when all you want is a nudge toward it from another; but take heart for you are not alone. Within doesn't mean that you have to do it on your own. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you;He will never leave you or forsake you" True happiness comes from God:)

Holding a marriage together

So I'm new to this whole blogging thing; but I see it as a place to express myself and hopefully help others while I myself find a path through this crazy beautiful life. Its a scary thing to be in a position where the words "holding a marriage together" are even something you have to read much less think about and ponder on. If your like me (which likely your not...not may are) your marriage was always the envy of everyone whether they admitted it or not. My wife and I have always had this bond that I've never seen before; never really had a fight, sure we argued but that's just normal. We dated and lived together for about 6 years before we got married; it' been 7 years since we said our vows...I still remember how beautiful she was on that day. Alot has changed in our lives since then: building a home, starting our family (the best boy/girl twins ever, love them to death), me working out of town. There have been ups and downs, still working out myself where we first went wrong (other than me working out of town...stupid idea guys, the money isnt worth the risk). We are at a point know where I would like to think we can still make it thru; (scratch that..) i know we can, not because of faith in myself or in us alone but in faith in the one who created the very concept of marriage. (I am not, but I know I am) I am; because of him; he alone has the power to rebuild what we have so wreaklessly torn apart. That being said, I would like to share a poem I wrote last week. Maybe later I can dig a little deeper into our story and what we've been through and where we are now but for now I would like to end with this and hope that this simple prayer can help your own marriage in some way.

Lord I pray that our marriage will stand
We've both done wrong, it's out of our hands.

We give it to you to heal and to mold
Our lives and our love, to have and to hold.

Looking back at our past all I feel is disgust.
Our sins, our lies, our anger, our lust.

There is no fingers to point, no reason to blame.
Oh please wash us, Oh Lord, in your Holy Name.

You've been right beside us thru all of our pain.
And we trust that you won't let it be in vain.

It's in you that we trust, to fill the wholes in our hearts.
It's in you that we trust, to find a fresh start.

Give us the tools to fix what we blew.
Because you have the power to make all things new.

Only on you, Lord, will our marriage stand.
Because all other ground is sinking sand.

We give it you to heal and to mold.
Our lives and our love, to have and to hold.